"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection,and not fountain,to show them that we love them,not when we feel like it,but when they do"

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Thursday, October 31, 2019


Maybe it is for good or maybe not. When you left, the warmth left with you. I thought of borrowing a little of it before you left but I was late. Maybe it is my stupidity and asking for more is what has led you to go.

As far away you walked from me, the winter came in stronger. The blankets did little to save me from the cold my heart was beginning to feel.

Thinking of you sometime, I felt angry at myself. Why should I visit the doors that are closed? why should I suffer to thinking alone?

I didn't have any answer and you wouldn't share the burden of the questions.

The tree I loved to smelt at this time of year, felt no good either. I was there but I wasn't, I am here but I ain't.

I cry just like that, I feel too much all of a sudden, sadness adorns me and I stop thinking. This goes on like a circle.

When you left I felt the warmth leaving. Like the last flicker of a glowing candle before it blows off. And the cold runs through my spine everyday.

Monday, October 28, 2019


Sab diye bujh gaye,
Ab bas ghana andhera hai..
Shaam jo jali thi armaano se,
Ab kohre mein dubb gai hai..
Dil mein thi kuch baatein ankahee,
Ab nigahon mein bas numi hai..
Woh bolte thay sunenge hume,
Ab bas sannate mein ghadi ki sui hai..

Friday, May 24, 2019

In circles

She looked out from the grilled window, it was very hot and humid but the kids were still running around and playing. It was weird how she wanted to do just the opposite even though she had the light and energy to be like the kids.

Something was not right, things were not falling in place. The more she tried to be happy, the more she sabotaged the chances.

It is too much to just be and do nothing? Yet she was doing just that what took most effort. The future posed questions and she had no answers. Delaying the inevitable reality.

As the sun went down, she sighed. A sigh of relief from the long and hot day. Now she could finally open up the door of her balcony and just feel the cool breeze on her face.

The wait was over for the day to pass. Night was not that difficult. Moreover, most of the night included sleeping.

The mundane and monotonous existence haunted her for days together. She hoped to rise up from the ashes like the phoenix after this flaming fire was over.

Life would flow just like this. To end an ordeal to begin another slowly and happily, till we would tire ourselves out again returning to the mundane and monotonous existence. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2019


Winds, they remind me of you..
Chimes they take me to you..
It has been ages since we talked,
But there are things that keep reminding me of you..
Though I think I love someone else,
But my heart resides in you.. 

Tuesday, May 07, 2019

Lust or love?

From the curses to the lip curl
That kiss on forhead you blew
Bite marks turned maroon-blue
The colorful nights
And the way you swoon
Tapping feets to the symphony
The wisps of morning coffee you brew
Raging flames of hunger and thirst
Do you still want to love or lust? 

Thursday, April 25, 2019

For the sake

People send wishes your way good Or bad according to them. You are ending something they say.

Does it really end?  Well in theory Or paper Or for the sake of it. When do you end it?

It's a tricky question because nobody really gives it a thought because simply it has ended and they treat it like that.

This is how journeys come to end, whether one likes it or not(the coming to end I mean).

It's amazing how we control our minds and behaviour at every phase of our life. And that is what everybody follows because they are taught no better. Nobody tells a 6 year old to go and party till 10pm at night or a 50 year old to go to gym and exercise. We are taught limitations, boundations, procedures, processes and walking in the footsteps of superior.

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

To the..

To the sweet good morning kisses and fiery nights.

Smelling the red wine in your muffled breathe while i lick your lips in anticipation. The red hot rods glaring at me from behind you as it cools our naked bodies in the winter.

All of a sudden its too hot in winters. When we are embraced in each others arms, my face reaches your armpit to snuggle and smell the sweat. Its sweaty and when i lick it, it tastes of ocean but i still love the way it feels, it arouses me.

Reaching up to your face i feel the prickly two day beard you have scrubbing my face, it burns so i move to capture your sweet and plump lips in mine. The smell of the garlics from the pesto spaghetti we had. Its mild and indulgent, almost makes me want to fill your mouth with some more of spaghetti and be fed from you.

Going to more intimate regions i smell the hunger emanating for her. So i lick and suck the sensitive zones which makes you hiss and moan. Caressing the bearings under them i plan to throw you in frenzy. Want to make you want me more.

When you caress my back with your hand, resting to pick and squeeze a bone you find. Crossing my hands behind my back just to see the protruding bones you picked on a while ago. I hiss and tell you to stop. You shower me with kisses.

"I imagined you in that short dress, how sexy you looked"  you say. I smile like i can see what you imagined. You curl a little more harder around me as if the imagination just turned real.
Your face, the marks and memory etched on them. I touch them and ask you the stories. Listening to them i am transported to that time where i can see as you go on unaware of the future, of the future where you would tell me all about it.

Barging into the room, you are singing same line of the song again and again in a cheerful and ecstatic tone. You have come back early from work you announce. I look at the smile on your face, it seems to be spreading all over you.

"When will you come back?" i ask and that is enough to make you distraught and cold. I want to take my words back because i feel like i committed a crime too grave. But its too late and your tone is condescending and behaviour is stolid while you give an answer appropriate in your mind for a crime like that.

The things are thrown around everywhere in that one room we are present. It's all too messy. I am careless and clumsy. Breaking a glass, the china bowl or that coveted bottle for storing water. I make a mess everywhere i go.

Simmering the milk on low i want to cook that sweet dish with dry fruits and tapioca pearls, after all you haven't eaten all day and kept fast. Just the way you like it, with no sugar and thickened milk.

"There are other things besides food and sleep, why don't you explore it?" you ask. "I do want to do that" i reply back. Not too convinced with my reply you glare at the mundane and monotonous way your life seems. I become a burden to you with my affirmation, making you realise how i am fine with just the way the things are.

I am a liar and a procrastinator. But i am also a lover and child at heart still making  out the head and tail of life. I want fairy lights, dreamcatchers, wind chimes, random and obscured photo of ours hanging from the rope pinned with a clip, bed made of wood crates, three sides of wall painted with white colour and one side painted pitch black, i want to lie on the cold ground with you in summer nights sharing a glass of chilled cocktail and watch the night turn into morning. But i have habits and expectations which dull all that i want. 

And all remains but nothing.

Monday, April 22, 2019

Disappearing sanity..

The sanity disappearing through the crevices of intoxication. It was all but such a small matter but it seemed huge at that time.

Hurtful words coming out of mouth and dispair in forlorn eyes. It's going all good and it just takes a moment to ruin it all.

If there is no sadness then how will we get to know of joy.

Life is like water. Water is like love. Stand for too long and it will get dirty and unconsumable. Flowing here and there making new ways and following the old ones, it will taste new and refreshing.

The gravity of it all is not understandable in one go. But when you do realise, the harm done is too big to repair. Can you move on and consider other things? Can you function like everything is fine?

Maybe you can. To bury the hatchet and lock the doors of the memories. Countless unending nights, conversations, disappointments, deceit, tears, lies, longing, pain and other things that hurt.

What is it to forget?  What is it to forgive?
It's hard but my god it makes the being so light when done. It takes time. But then what doesn't?

Cultivating patience to hold onto self and empathizing with others.

It's harder to love than to hate. Would you give up on love to hate someone? Will you choose the easier path? 

Sunday, March 24, 2019

Home to love..

Hanging her coat in cupboard she put the groceries out from the bag inside the fridge. 

It was cold outside. She had been wanting to prolong the evening so much. It was no joy getting back to the empty house only to miss his warm presence. 

She took out the zuchini and chicken to make some soup. If only he could be here to join in. Taking the hot soup in the spoon and blowing air on it while looking in her eyes before putting the spoon in her mouth. 

He wouldnt tell her the correct date of when he will be back. So cruel she thought. It had been almost a month that she had not seen and hugged him. 

Last phone call was a week earlier. The weekend hung over her like a very doomed time. Funny how she did not want any holiday. 

Getting up in the morning to his kisses and making love day and night. God! why wouldn't he tell her, when is he coming back. 

As she put the pan for the soup to cook slowly, she went to the bathroom to take shower. A hot shower in the rosy winter. 

The winter was about to end very soon and that was not a really good news. The sticky and hot summer was very sweaty and smelly. Engaged in these thoughts she finished bathing and went to the cupboard to pick clothes to wear. 

A warm pair of hand grabbed her from behind while sprinkling kisses on her back. She knew it, it was him. 

She was so overjoyed. Turning back in hisvarms she devoured his lips like it was for the first time. The smell of him, the smooth just shaven cheeks, the plump lips and his hands roaming all over her body. 

There was no turning back after that as they made love, hungry and passionate love. 

The soup tasted much hearty and delicious from his mouth and the weekend looked happy after all. 

Thursday, January 31, 2019


दिल की हिमाकत तो देखो, 
तुमसे सवाल करता है.. 
रात होती है तो, 
कैसे सिरहाने सर रख रोता है.. 
लाख समझाते हैं इसे, 
लत्त है छोड़ दे तुम्हे, 
ये कम्बख्त सुबह होते ही, 
फिर तुम्हारी राह देखता है..