Listen. .

I wish i could leave you my love

But my heart, is a mess.. 

And you keep making it messier. I want you to stop pushing me away from you, I don't say it in words. My tears tell you that all the time. But you don't listen and instead tell me that I don't listen to you. Do you pause to think why would I not listen to you? Is it my brain which has by default adapted the mechanism from your actions? Do you hear my tears? Do you understand them? Why don't you listen to them? Why don't you just do what they want you to? 

Push me a bit harder make me jump that cliff so that I don't stop at the edge and retrace my steps to just stop there. I may fly, I may dive or I may just vanish. Who knows? Maybe there is an ocean beneath the cliff or just air or just emptiness. 

The lights they reach to tease me at times when I feel I am going towards the haven and not the cliff but alas! It's a mirage. Mirages always break. 

Consider the dried lips an adieu to what could have been. Don't hold my hands the last time I leave, don't hug me Or kiss me. I will be lost in the oblivion and you will be blissfully ignorant. 

This is a modern fairy tale

No happy endings

No wind in our sails... 

Warmth

Maybe it is for good or maybe not. When you left, the warmth left with you. I thought of borrowing a little of it before you left but I was late. Maybe it is my stupidity and asking for more is what has led you to go.

As far away you walked from me, the winter came in stronger. The blankets did little to save me from the cold my heart was beginning to feel.

Thinking of you sometime, I felt angry at myself. Why should I visit the doors that are closed? why should I suffer to thinking alone?

I didn't have any answer and you wouldn't share the burden of the questions.

The tree I loved to smelt at this time of year, felt no good either. I was there but I wasn't, I am here but I ain't.

I cry just like that, I feel too much all of a sudden, sadness adorns me and I stop thinking. This goes on like a circle.

When you left I felt the warmth leaving. Like the last flicker of a glowing candle before it blows off. And the cold runs through my spine everyday.

Dia

Sab diye bujh gaye,
Ab bas ghana andhera hai..
Shaam jo jali thi armaano se,
Ab kohre mein dubb gai hai..
Dil mein thi kuch baatein ankahee,
Ab nigahon mein bas numi hai..
Woh bolte thay sunenge hume,
Ab bas sannate mein ghadi ki sui hai..

Reminded

Winds, they remind me of you..
Chimes they take me to you..
It has been ages since we talked,
But there are things that keep reminding me of you..
Though I think I love someone else,
But my heart resides in you.. 

Lust or love?

From the curses to the lip curl
That kiss on forhead you blew
Bite marks turned maroon-blue
The colorful nights
And the way you swoon
Tapping feets to the symphony
The wisps of morning coffee you brew
Raging flames of hunger and thirst
Do you still want to love or lust? 

To the..

To the sweet good morning kisses and fiery nights.

Smelling the red wine in your muffled breathe while i lick your lips in anticipation. The red hot rods glaring at me from behind you as it cools our naked bodies in the winter.

All of a sudden its too hot in winters. When we are embraced in each others arms, my face reaches your armpit to snuggle and smell the sweat. Its sweaty and when i lick it, it tastes of ocean but i still love the way it feels, it arouses me.

Reaching up to your face i feel the prickly two day beard you have scrubbing my face, it burns so i move to capture your sweet and plump lips in mine. The smell of the garlics from the pesto spaghetti we had. Its mild and indulgent, almost makes me want to fill your mouth with some more of spaghetti and be fed from you.

Going to more intimate regions i smell the hunger emanating for her. So i lick and suck the sensitive zones which makes you hiss and moan. Caressing the bearings under them i plan to throw you in frenzy. Want to make you want me more.

When you caress my back with your hand, resting to pick and squeeze a bone you find. Crossing my hands behind my back just to see the protruding bones you picked on a while ago. I hiss and tell you to stop. You shower me with kisses.

"I imagined you in that short dress, how sexy you looked"  you say. I smile like i can see what you imagined. You curl a little more harder around me as if the imagination just turned real.
Your face, the marks and memory etched on them. I touch them and ask you the stories. Listening to them i am transported to that time where i can see as you go on unaware of the future, of the future where you would tell me all about it.

Barging into the room, you are singing same line of the song again and again in a cheerful and ecstatic tone. You have come back early from work you announce. I look at the smile on your face, it seems to be spreading all over you.

"When will you come back?" i ask and that is enough to make you distraught and cold. I want to take my words back because i feel like i committed a crime too grave. But its too late and your tone is condescending and behaviour is stolid while you give an answer appropriate in your mind for a crime like that.

The things are thrown around everywhere in that one room we are present. It's all too messy. I am careless and clumsy. Breaking a glass, the china bowl or that coveted bottle for storing water. I make a mess everywhere i go.

Simmering the milk on low i want to cook that sweet dish with dry fruits and tapioca pearls, after all you haven't eaten all day and kept fast. Just the way you like it, with no sugar and thickened milk.

"There are other things besides food and sleep, why don't you explore it?" you ask. "I do want to do that" i reply back. Not too convinced with my reply you glare at the mundane and monotonous way your life seems. I become a burden to you with my affirmation, making you realise how i am fine with just the way the things are.

I am a liar and a procrastinator. But i am also a lover and child at heart still making  out the head and tail of life. I want fairy lights, dreamcatchers, wind chimes, random and obscured photo of ours hanging from the rope pinned with a clip, bed made of wood crates, three sides of wall painted with white colour and one side painted pitch black, i want to lie on the cold ground with you in summer nights sharing a glass of chilled cocktail and watch the night turn into morning. But i have habits and expectations which dull all that i want. 

And all remains but nothing.

Disappearing sanity..

The sanity disappearing through the crevices of intoxication. It was all but such a small matter but it seemed huge at that time.

Hurtful words coming out of mouth and dispair in forlorn eyes. It's going all good and it just takes a moment to ruin it all.

If there is no sadness then how will we get to know of joy.

Life is like water. Water is like love. Stand for too long and it will get dirty and unconsumable. Flowing here and there making new ways and following the old ones, it will taste new and refreshing.

The gravity of it all is not understandable in one go. But when you do realise, the harm done is too big to repair. Can you move on and consider other things? Can you function like everything is fine?

Maybe you can. To bury the hatchet and lock the doors of the memories. Countless unending nights, conversations, disappointments, deceit, tears, lies, longing, pain and other things that hurt.

What is it to forget?  What is it to forgive?
It's hard but my god it makes the being so light when done. It takes time. But then what doesn't?

Cultivating patience to hold onto self and empathizing with others.

It's harder to love than to hate. Would you give up on love to hate someone? Will you choose the easier path? 

Home to love..

Hanging her coat in cupboard she put the groceries out from the bag inside the fridge. 

It was cold outside. She had been wanting to prolong the evening so much. It was no joy getting back to the empty house only to miss his warm presence. 

She took out the zuchini and chicken to make some soup. If only he could be here to join in. Taking the hot soup in the spoon and blowing air on it while looking in her eyes before putting the spoon in her mouth. 

He wouldnt tell her the correct date of when he will be back. So cruel she thought. It had been almost a month that she had not seen and hugged him. 

Last phone call was a week earlier. The weekend hung over her like a very doomed time. Funny how she did not want any holiday. 

Getting up in the morning to his kisses and making love day and night. God! why wouldn't he tell her, when is he coming back. 

As she put the pan for the soup to cook slowly, she went to the bathroom to take shower. A hot shower in the rosy winter. 

The winter was about to end very soon and that was not a really good news. The sticky and hot summer was very sweaty and smelly. Engaged in these thoughts she finished bathing and went to the cupboard to pick clothes to wear. 

A warm pair of hand grabbed her from behind while sprinkling kisses on her back. She knew it, it was him. 

She was so overjoyed. Turning back in hisvarms she devoured his lips like it was for the first time. The smell of him, the smooth just shaven cheeks, the plump lips and his hands roaming all over her body. 

There was no turning back after that as they made love, hungry and passionate love. 

The soup tasted much hearty and delicious from his mouth and the weekend looked happy after all. 

x

चिंगारी

एक चिंगारी जलाई थी तूने वो बात छेड़ कर

तड़पते रहे उस रात हम

बिस्तर पे करवटें बदल कर

आंखें बंद हुई तो बस एक ही ख्वाब था

तेरे होंटो पे मेरे होंठ

हम थे एक दूसरे की सांस बनकर

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Despair

There is a searing pain as if something is being ripped apart from the body. Its necessary at times to separate oneself from someone, just because you know being together will not make a difference.

It takes time, patience and a lot of pain but i think it eventually happens. You can let someone live in peace and howsoever they want to without burdening them with yourself.

Time and again you realise that how important it is to not put your hopes and wishes on someone else because they would rarely come true.

Magic and fairytales are only there for the books, real life is about longing and despair. 

You

Your stare through those long lashes.

Your warm breathe on my tresses.

Gliding fingers across my skin.

I am lost in land,

land of you and me.

All day long wrapped in your arms,

I embrace my forever with you.

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55 Fiction : Redefined

I wished for her warmth. 

So I lied next to her, smelling her hair. She smiled like nothing meant more than this moment. 

She kissed my lips and said I knew you would do this.

I sighed and snuggled closer to her wrapped inside one blanket. 

At last the winter nights were redefined for me.

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You

I see that glitter in your eyes. People call you crazy. But i know the truth. I have seen the child in you and you in me. The days are cut short with you. Time flies away so fast. I wish to catch it i wished to catch and frame it. Now i know different.

Every memory shall be created, enjoyed and stored in heart and mind. Rest are just like ash. You draw it in paper, write it, capture it digitally, it all wipes out someway or the other. Some prone to accident and some put to flames of wrath.

I write today about you and me not knowing if this page will last. But i assure you that i have your words, touch, feel, fragrance and essence all locked inside me, where no one can enter till i don't allow them. It is safe inside me in the oceans of memory.

I am living in the forever of creation and with last breathe i shall let go all in air.

Free of me or is it me free of it. .

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Blush

She laughed a little on his silly joke and started coughing. He put the glass of water to her mouth. As she finished drinking, he came near her lips and licked the rolling drop of water from the corner.

Are you okay now darling? He asked.

A blush appeared on her cheeks. She looked at him and smiled. Even after 40 years of being together he had this effect on her.

Of imperfection and happiness

Picking up the crumpled newspaper i thought, there have been number of times i had told the old lady to not read the newspaper this way. I put it on the flat surface and started arranging the papers in correct order and pressed the folded parts. I did not like it when the newspaper was in that shape.

There are so many things in our life that we don't like. I have fallen in love with a guy in his definition he is imperfect but for me he is perfect. His imperfectness makes me truly happy if you ask. Their maybe some qualities of him which i wouldn't approve of but that doesn't make my love any less for him. I accept him how he is.

When one is not happy, he or she doesn't find anything good no matter how good it really maybe. The state of your mind and your preconceived notion about something is what hinders most of your happiness. I am not feeling well right now so i am blaming my mood and unhappiness on it. I will be there out of it hopefully soon to smile again and say "I am happy."

Breathe you

I breathed in,

I am clueless.

There is a fragrance filling me slowly.

It is intoxicating.

I want to fill myself up.

I try to catch it all in me and

I crave for more.

No it is not a fragrance,

it is you.

I realize I wanna fill myself

"fill myself with you....."

 

 

*Gifted

खामोशियाँ

न बेताबियाँ थी
न ही थी गुस्ताखियाँ
थी तो बस खामोशियाँ
 
न हम कुछ कह सके
न वो हमे सुन सके

कुछ पल हमारे खिलाफ थे
या युहीं दोष दे रहे थे हम पलों को

दिल में जो गुफ्तगू की एक आस जगी थी
आज भी वह अधूरी ही रह गयी

कहनी थी जो बात हमे
खामोशियों में ही बह गयी

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55 Fiction:The question

Torn between the possibilities his mind is working on high speed.He is scared cause he never thought he would do this.In a gorgeous electric blue saree she sits infront of him.He bends on his knees opening the red velvet box, he asks her "Will you marry me?"

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Is your faith dying?

Have you seen your faith die down slowly like the flame of the candle nearing its end? Not that it wasn't there,it was alighted and headstrong.But it is just nearing its end and you cannot do anything.Nothing you do is sufficient to make it stay.You just leave it be and it tangles further.Tangles with your hopes and wishes.If you want to continue you have to kill your hopes and wishes.That is fine right?They can be killed.But what do you do about a need?Can you do without the needful?

It is calm and patient but it seems like the ominous silence before the mighty storm which would shake everything to the very core.

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You said..

He-When you know something is difficult and the end result is darkness why would you do it?

She-You mean there won't be an affirmative outcome of my efforts?

He-Yes.Right.You can't budge someone from their willing decision.A decision that they would stick to no matter what may cross it.

She-Because you said i can do whatever i have my heart placed in :)

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