Waning Moon

Every day is a heavy step forward. The mornings are not so welcoming but eyes open on their own. Waking up in the morning I turn off the alarm even before it can ring. The days are occupied with work and life rests on the back burner.

It pains me to know of the reality of relations. There is no sweet nothing, no reminisce and no memory. When you miss someone, you should let them know, or should you?

We are not slaves of habit, we are slaves of comfort. The knowledge that we can go on with this monotonous life and nobody will care enough to ask you if you are alright.
My heart desires to hear.. Everything will be alright.. But it has been ages since my ears have perked up to it and my heart fluttered to the feeling after. 

As the years add up and we grow old, it's one step closer towards the unavoidable heaviness. Heaviness resides in the mind, heart, body, attitude and slowly makes way to the ephemeral soul.

Is it so hard to care? To love? To give company? To just be present? Maybe my longings and desires have always been flawed. It hurts to know but i can see the waning moon from my starry night.

Listen. .

I wish i could leave you my love

But my heart, is a mess.. 

And you keep making it messier. I want you to stop pushing me away from you, I don't say it in words. My tears tell you that all the time. But you don't listen and instead tell me that I don't listen to you. Do you pause to think why would I not listen to you? Is it my brain which has by default adapted the mechanism from your actions? Do you hear my tears? Do you understand them? Why don't you listen to them? Why don't you just do what they want you to? 

Push me a bit harder make me jump that cliff so that I don't stop at the edge and retrace my steps to just stop there. I may fly, I may dive or I may just vanish. Who knows? Maybe there is an ocean beneath the cliff or just air or just emptiness. 

The lights they reach to tease me at times when I feel I am going towards the haven and not the cliff but alas! It's a mirage. Mirages always break. 

Consider the dried lips an adieu to what could have been. Don't hold my hands the last time I leave, don't hug me Or kiss me. I will be lost in the oblivion and you will be blissfully ignorant. 

This is a modern fairy tale

No happy endings

No wind in our sails... 

Turmoil

"Tune mere Jana kabhi nahi jana"

Softly crooning to the guitar chords and empty beats.

The pain and despair is evident in your eyes as the song plays on loop.

The love and anguish are moving hand in hand, neither can you be and nor can you leave.

Those moments make or break the relation.

"Oh heart of mine with a song and a whine you're harsh and divine like the truth and a lie."

The persistent reminder of a heartache and faint smile from the backdrop of it all as life unfolds.

You are holding all the cards in your hand but the player in front of you is controlling all your moves and the player in front of you assumes vice-versa for you.

It's hard living with a single decision everyday and then we ask that do we have a choice. But in reality it is the choice we have made. To be or not to be.

In the tough times you got to hold and move on.

"Wake me up when it's all over, when I am wiser and I am older."

Pestilence stricken

How many times you have opened and shut the balcony gate. The heart is tired and the mind yearns for some space.

The constant ticking of the clock and monotonous routine. This is the caged feeling where your head feels heavy. Round the clock, every second, every minute, every hour and this eternity that seems to be going on.

The body is rotting from inside and senses are shutting with constant bickering all around virtually. You know because you got to stay home.

Hobbies have become shackles and the mind is bogged down with the same pattern. When will the breeze of fresh air make the heart feel light? When will we greet some new sights for the sore eyes?

All of a sudden they seem to be distant memories. The atmosphere is plagued and I have written here a pestilence stricken summary.

Warmth

Maybe it is for good or maybe not. When you left, the warmth left with you. I thought of borrowing a little of it before you left but I was late. Maybe it is my stupidity and asking for more is what has led you to go.

As far away you walked from me, the winter came in stronger. The blankets did little to save me from the cold my heart was beginning to feel.

Thinking of you sometime, I felt angry at myself. Why should I visit the doors that are closed? why should I suffer to thinking alone?

I didn't have any answer and you wouldn't share the burden of the questions.

The tree I loved to smelt at this time of year, felt no good either. I was there but I wasn't, I am here but I ain't.

I cry just like that, I feel too much all of a sudden, sadness adorns me and I stop thinking. This goes on like a circle.

When you left I felt the warmth leaving. Like the last flicker of a glowing candle before it blows off. And the cold runs through my spine everyday.

Dia

Sab diye bujh gaye,
Ab bas ghana andhera hai..
Shaam jo jali thi armaano se,
Ab kohre mein dubb gai hai..
Dil mein thi kuch baatein ankahee,
Ab nigahon mein bas numi hai..
Woh bolte thay sunenge hume,
Ab bas sannate mein ghadi ki sui hai..

In circles

She looked out from the grilled window, it was very hot and humid but the kids were still running around and playing. It was weird how she wanted to do just the opposite even though she had the light and energy to be like the kids.

Something was not right, things were not falling in place. The more she tried to be happy, the more she sabotaged the chances.

It is too much to just be and do nothing? Yet she was doing just that what took most effort. The future posed questions and she had no answers. Delaying the inevitable reality.

As the sun went down, she sighed. A sigh of relief from the long and hot day. Now she could finally open up the door of her balcony and just feel the cool breeze on her face.

The wait was over for the day to pass. Night was not that difficult. Moreover, most of the night included sleeping.

The mundane and monotonous existence haunted her for days together. She hoped to rise up from the ashes like the phoenix after this flaming fire was over.

Life would flow just like this. To end an ordeal to begin another slowly and happily, till we would tire ourselves out again returning to the mundane and monotonous existence. 

Reminded

Winds, they remind me of you..
Chimes they take me to you..
It has been ages since we talked,
But there are things that keep reminding me of you..
Though I think I love someone else,
But my heart resides in you.. 

Lust or love?

From the curses to the lip curl
That kiss on forhead you blew
Bite marks turned maroon-blue
The colorful nights
And the way you swoon
Tapping feets to the symphony
The wisps of morning coffee you brew
Raging flames of hunger and thirst
Do you still want to love or lust? 

For the sake

People send wishes your way good Or bad according to them. You are ending something they say.

Does it really end?  Well in theory Or paper Or for the sake of it. When do you end it?

It's a tricky question because nobody really gives it a thought because simply it has ended and they treat it like that.

This is how journeys come to end, whether one likes it or not(the coming to end I mean).

It's amazing how we control our minds and behaviour at every phase of our life. And that is what everybody follows because they are taught no better. Nobody tells a 6 year old to go and party till 10pm at night or a 50 year old to go to gym and exercise. We are taught limitations, boundations, procedures, processes and walking in the footsteps of superior.

To the..

To the sweet good morning kisses and fiery nights.

Smelling the red wine in your muffled breathe while i lick your lips in anticipation. The red hot rods glaring at me from behind you as it cools our naked bodies in the winter.

All of a sudden its too hot in winters. When we are embraced in each others arms, my face reaches your armpit to snuggle and smell the sweat. Its sweaty and when i lick it, it tastes of ocean but i still love the way it feels, it arouses me.

Reaching up to your face i feel the prickly two day beard you have scrubbing my face, it burns so i move to capture your sweet and plump lips in mine. The smell of the garlics from the pesto spaghetti we had. Its mild and indulgent, almost makes me want to fill your mouth with some more of spaghetti and be fed from you.

Going to more intimate regions i smell the hunger emanating for her. So i lick and suck the sensitive zones which makes you hiss and moan. Caressing the bearings under them i plan to throw you in frenzy. Want to make you want me more.

When you caress my back with your hand, resting to pick and squeeze a bone you find. Crossing my hands behind my back just to see the protruding bones you picked on a while ago. I hiss and tell you to stop. You shower me with kisses.

"I imagined you in that short dress, how sexy you looked"  you say. I smile like i can see what you imagined. You curl a little more harder around me as if the imagination just turned real.
Your face, the marks and memory etched on them. I touch them and ask you the stories. Listening to them i am transported to that time where i can see as you go on unaware of the future, of the future where you would tell me all about it.

Barging into the room, you are singing same line of the song again and again in a cheerful and ecstatic tone. You have come back early from work you announce. I look at the smile on your face, it seems to be spreading all over you.

"When will you come back?" i ask and that is enough to make you distraught and cold. I want to take my words back because i feel like i committed a crime too grave. But its too late and your tone is condescending and behaviour is stolid while you give an answer appropriate in your mind for a crime like that.

The things are thrown around everywhere in that one room we are present. It's all too messy. I am careless and clumsy. Breaking a glass, the china bowl or that coveted bottle for storing water. I make a mess everywhere i go.

Simmering the milk on low i want to cook that sweet dish with dry fruits and tapioca pearls, after all you haven't eaten all day and kept fast. Just the way you like it, with no sugar and thickened milk.

"There are other things besides food and sleep, why don't you explore it?" you ask. "I do want to do that" i reply back. Not too convinced with my reply you glare at the mundane and monotonous way your life seems. I become a burden to you with my affirmation, making you realise how i am fine with just the way the things are.

I am a liar and a procrastinator. But i am also a lover and child at heart still making  out the head and tail of life. I want fairy lights, dreamcatchers, wind chimes, random and obscured photo of ours hanging from the rope pinned with a clip, bed made of wood crates, three sides of wall painted with white colour and one side painted pitch black, i want to lie on the cold ground with you in summer nights sharing a glass of chilled cocktail and watch the night turn into morning. But i have habits and expectations which dull all that i want. 

And all remains but nothing.

Disappearing sanity..

The sanity disappearing through the crevices of intoxication. It was all but such a small matter but it seemed huge at that time.

Hurtful words coming out of mouth and dispair in forlorn eyes. It's going all good and it just takes a moment to ruin it all.

If there is no sadness then how will we get to know of joy.

Life is like water. Water is like love. Stand for too long and it will get dirty and unconsumable. Flowing here and there making new ways and following the old ones, it will taste new and refreshing.

The gravity of it all is not understandable in one go. But when you do realise, the harm done is too big to repair. Can you move on and consider other things? Can you function like everything is fine?

Maybe you can. To bury the hatchet and lock the doors of the memories. Countless unending nights, conversations, disappointments, deceit, tears, lies, longing, pain and other things that hurt.

What is it to forget?  What is it to forgive?
It's hard but my god it makes the being so light when done. It takes time. But then what doesn't?

Cultivating patience to hold onto self and empathizing with others.

It's harder to love than to hate. Would you give up on love to hate someone? Will you choose the easier path? 

Home to love..

Hanging her coat in cupboard she put the groceries out from the bag inside the fridge. 

It was cold outside. She had been wanting to prolong the evening so much. It was no joy getting back to the empty house only to miss his warm presence. 

She took out the zuchini and chicken to make some soup. If only he could be here to join in. Taking the hot soup in the spoon and blowing air on it while looking in her eyes before putting the spoon in her mouth. 

He wouldnt tell her the correct date of when he will be back. So cruel she thought. It had been almost a month that she had not seen and hugged him. 

Last phone call was a week earlier. The weekend hung over her like a very doomed time. Funny how she did not want any holiday. 

Getting up in the morning to his kisses and making love day and night. God! why wouldn't he tell her, when is he coming back. 

As she put the pan for the soup to cook slowly, she went to the bathroom to take shower. A hot shower in the rosy winter. 

The winter was about to end very soon and that was not a really good news. The sticky and hot summer was very sweaty and smelly. Engaged in these thoughts she finished bathing and went to the cupboard to pick clothes to wear. 

A warm pair of hand grabbed her from behind while sprinkling kisses on her back. She knew it, it was him. 

She was so overjoyed. Turning back in hisvarms she devoured his lips like it was for the first time. The smell of him, the smooth just shaven cheeks, the plump lips and his hands roaming all over her body. 

There was no turning back after that as they made love, hungry and passionate love. 

The soup tasted much hearty and delicious from his mouth and the weekend looked happy after all. 

x

लत्त

दिल की हिमाकत तो देखो, 

तुमसे सवाल करता है.. 

रात होती है तो, 

कैसे सिरहाने सर रख रोता है.. 

लाख समझाते हैं इसे, 

लत्त है छोड़ दे तुम्हे, 

ये कम्बख्त सुबह होते ही, 

फिर तुम्हारी राह देखता है.. 

Suffer

The feeling of not having moisture in your skin. In simple terms the skin is dry which happens as begins the winter.

As if it is the harbinger of depleting life.  Same way like people suck out the energy out of you. What would it be like to be feeling this way from a person who is close to you. 

There is an ocean of thoughts that go on if something unexpected or surprising happens. One can understand that, take it in, accept it and move on. But what do you do when you don't understand it in first place. The only thing the mind enjoys doing at that time is overthink.

I want to stay away from somebody when they make me feel sapped out or bad from inside. What if I can't do that with the person who is close. Suffer. That is all there is left till you can't do it anymore.

Ashen

Ashen they laid on the ground,
words that were once alive.
Crying and screaming but no sound,
sewn are the heart and mouth.
Hurt not remaining as it was.
Pain redefining it's limit.
The time of the year showed itself once more,
the broken spell becomes the undoing.
Here comes the barren winter again.

Loyal Companion

"I used to sit in your room and not open the door or the window because you did not like it. It was difficult for me to stay in the room whole day and not go out. But I did it because you liked it that way."

Caging someone in a place where they have to kill their wishes just so that you can be happy.

Controlling your emotions because your emotions will effect someone else.

Relations are always complicated. Sacrifices are the biggest mistake and compromises are key to weaken relations day by day slowly.

Expect but don't expect those expectations to get fulfilled. Life is as it is so difficult and here we get up and make promises to make it more difficult by being in love .

What is right? What is wrong? Who is right? Who is wrong? Whose wishes should be fulfilled and whose done away with?

Make somebody miserable once and then let it be long enough and let that be the last one. Go on with your life alone because as I said it's already difficult itself.

The only loyal companionship that can be  is with hollowness. It never leaves you. Never.

Swinging world

The rain is making the weather a bit cooler and getting rid of the humidity. Life nowadays witnesses relations just like the temperamental weather patterns in India in almost all the regions. Things change so quickly. Before you can wrap your head around a new event another one blows up right in front of you.

Likewise we are surely increasing are speed for accommodating such changes. I wonder what will come next. That is all we can do, wonder or at most predict the future when we don't know for sure.

Young people are becoming more effervescent and the at same time equally gloomy from inside. The ratios are screwed, philosophies are evolving, thoughts are weirdly warped, humanity is crumbling under pride and show-off and the time is running really fast. What does it take to stop the real emotions and feelings to fade away from the life of people. Things are highly digital and virtual. This technology has sure made life easy for most but future seems full of nightmares.

I wonder how far will love make it with all of us. I still love with my heart and soul, at least before i loose it all.

How easy it has become to skip from one track to another and forget about the things that were. Reminiscing is not a cool thing, it will make us loose precious time which could have been invested in following some two minute trend or a new series on the radar.

Living while we can with the real bits is the best thing possible, if only we realise what is real from what is not.

चिंगारी

एक चिंगारी जलाई थी तूने वो बात छेड़ कर

तड़पते रहे उस रात हम

बिस्तर पे करवटें बदल कर

आंखें बंद हुई तो बस एक ही ख्वाब था

तेरे होंटो पे मेरे होंठ

हम थे एक दूसरे की सांस बनकर

Image Courtesy

Despair

There is a searing pain as if something is being ripped apart from the body. Its necessary at times to separate oneself from someone, just because you know being together will not make a difference.

It takes time, patience and a lot of pain but i think it eventually happens. You can let someone live in peace and howsoever they want to without burdening them with yourself.

Time and again you realise that how important it is to not put your hopes and wishes on someone else because they would rarely come true.

Magic and fairytales are only there for the books, real life is about longing and despair.