"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection,and not fountain,to show them that we love them,not when we feel like it,but when they do"

Sunday, August 21, 2016


There is a hollow I can feel it inside me. It has seeped deep inside my bones. I am grieving like I never have. There are no tears, you cant find a single trace of grief on me. It is inside of me secured and tight.

The loss that I had not been able to keep my words. It does not hurt that the words I said have lost their essence and no longer valid. It is heavier than that, I was sincere when I had said those words. But I have betrayed myself, gone back on sincerity.

I had cried once when I saw people change in front of me. They did not keep their words. One after another each of them left me like that, repeating the same pattern. The hurt was evident in me for sometime. With time healing does take place. I saw the hurt fade and the memory boxed into the farthest corner of my mind.

But today, I cannot cry. I am not able to. I have changed. How does one forgive themselves for betraying themselves?

I don’t know. The hollow has grown larger and I am loosing touch with the things that mattered once. The gap is so humongous that people are afraid to cross it to reach me.

What about me?
I don’t see where can I land even if I cross the gap. Where is my destination? Where am I suppose to land?

Its all blurry, empty and unending. The tunnels of my thoughts are spiraling out of control like the smoke that wafts away from the cigarette only to be invisible after sometime. You cannot trace the smoke, it has left you to puff more of them and mock you as you blow one after another wisps in hopes to follow it till the end. 

Friday, March 04, 2016

The other world.

Do you wish you had a different life? The life right now, well, it is just not what you want.

I always have a thought at the back of my mind that there is a parallel universe that has a life like I imagine. You can imagine whatever pleases your mind and that is happening, not here, but in the other world, right now.

As little as the possibility of ever clashing with the other world seems, imagine if that ever happens?

I think either life will get totally sorted or it will be damn chaotic, there can be no middle way out.

At times there are wishful thinking where I want a happy ending to some chapter of my life, at times I wish for something to start or something to end and there are again plenty of other possibilities depending upon where your mind takes you for a ride.

Do I want to go to the parallel world and live my imagination? No.

I crave for stories and story tellers. I would love to see what happens in my other story/stories. Till then lets live and watch story of this world. 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Till we meet..

The flickering lights fall on my face. What else did I expect?

It is blinding and chilling, sitting on these bar stools. I absolutely hate these stools, I long for a comfortable couch but I wont opt for that. Yes, seems like I have finally let go last shred of sanity.

I want it and I have it right in front of my eyes but those couches hold memory. It has been 3 months since he has left for work and I am pining badly for him right now. No calls are returned till the weekends and no mushy talks follow if I get through to him on weekdays. It is Saturday, at least today I can hope for that long late night talk.
Destination needs to be changed he said
I beamed a happy smile mirroring his. He hugged me and told me how my smile was what he was waiting for. Why I had asked him and being the ever so sweet guy he is, he told me it was like a confirmation and seal to the ticket of the new work place.
I cant leave this place because I have restrictions. Yes I know I can break through and all but well even I have needs here. But I need him too.

See I am totally positive that I am nuts.

Long distance is a pain in the a** but well I know that when we finally do meet it will be so good. I will see that happy smile of his, snuggle in his arms and take in the tantalizing scent of his cologne.

I stand up paying for the tequila shots. The alcohol has finally kicked in the nervous system. I feel a little tipsy but nothing that I cant handle. I hold the shrug closer to myself, self hugging if I may say. Exiting the bar I walk down towards our empty home.

Keeping the keys on the drawer I eagerly move towards the phone I had intentionally left on the bed.

11 missed calls
2 messages

My heart flutters with joy, the calls are his and the messages are random. Removing the heels, I grab my phone. I slide to camera mode and click a picture of myself in the blue little dress he had gifted me on our last marriage anniversary. Sharing it to him through messages I fall back on the bed.

The phone rings and I fall into the velvety cloud his voice weaves, the longing disappears momentarily. My easy tone guides him to my state and he plays with my imagination till he comes back for real to hold his sweetheart.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Wounded Past

For the things you do and don’t do, there maybe a reason or two or maybe none. You just do something as if an invisible hand just made you do it. When we are done we realize it through the after effects.
A friend of mine pretty boastful said she doesn’t need someone in her life to be alive. The concept of talking everyday with boy-friend is something which isn’t possible in reality she said. The girl and the guy both need space in their life. 

These were her thoughts when she first talked about love, girlfriend and boyfriend. She said once she had a boyfriend and that was it. She likes her current state of singlehood.

I didn’t probe her to give more and neither did she willingly disclose anymore information.
This was the story of the second day of us being acquainted with each other. We were walking back home together as we lived nearby. I bid her a goodbye and left on one of the ways in the fork.

She talked way too much for my liking. I met her almost everyday but somehow I got used to with her chatter, after sometime her talking didn’t bother me so much. She got really close to me. She shared things and a secret or two.

One fine day I got a little bit more of her previous love story. But I knew that was not all.
She has become committed once more and this time it was her best friend. They knew each other but understanding seemed a whole different ball game in their relation.

She wants to talk to him everyday. Her changed sentence was that she cannot live without him in her life. When she is not able to talk to him even a day, she becomes very anxious.

I see her and think that what is affecting her this much. Her face is completely pale and it seems she hasn’t slept all week. She tells me they are not able to talk.

I think there is something more but then again maybe I am reading in too much.

Today it happened so that I wasn’t wrong after all. It was her previous relation which affected her today so much. She told me she wants to be informed that someone is going out of her life.
I ask her the reason of breakup in her previous relation.
Her answer was 

He never told me, he just went away. He did not respond to my message and did not talk to me. He just left.”

The guy is precious in her life, her current relation is her heart. She doesn’t want to loose the guy. She doesn’t want to be hanging and left without any reason.

Each day that she can’t talk with him, she thinks maybe he is on the way to leave her. She says maybe he deserves much better than her.

I tried to console her with words and told her that nothing of that sort will happen. That maybe the previous breakup had something good for future. But she is shaken too deep. Her wound is yet not healed. I hope she gets over someone who did not deserve her. I hope he heals her past.

Saturday, July 04, 2015

To change or to flow? Is it Complex or simple?

It is interesting how things change so soon. Or we think they change soon, it happens gradually and till we get to the final result we think it just happened all of a sudden. The changes that we want to have and imply it deliberately are the changes which are the most excruciating and long.
It is always good to have a change or is it at times bad too? I have no idea. I am still adjusting to the idea of change willingly. I know it happens whether I want it or not but I feel like catching hold of it and stopping it.

I want to still the time and stop the change. Well, I cannot win from time, I have to flow with its flow.
The interesting thing about moments(it is said it becomes when 90seconds pass) is that if you miss them, you miss them but even if you are in the moment afterwards you are going to miss them.
This world works in a screwed way. Well if so then what is the problem? After all what in this world is not complicated?

I have an idea which is, that at the beginning of the time when human beings known as early man came to be present on earth, the things were simple. You could touch a flower and it would smile at you, you could lie on the ground and it would hold you in its womb, you could sit by a tree and it provided you with a shelter and many more things like that.

Sounds simple, no?

But with human came anger, jealousy, competition, greed and words having meanings somewhat similar to them. This is what led to the simplicity being screwed.

Now simple is operating a mobile by a toddler, chatting on skype with a dear one, watching whole world through internet and so much more. It is said simple but it has a huge labyrinth of algorithms and extra mind working just to fulfil a wish, to meet with greed and not needs. We have made our lives simply complicated.

To simplify the complications we provide it with some more complication. And this continues.
Now in place of flower we touch metal and glass molded into desired needs(greed), lying on the fluffy cotton bed is more pleasure and we have concrete buildings to cover us(our shelter). This is what is simple to us.

I see I have flowed in my thoughts around here and I see how complex it is, from change to time to simple to complex. Such is the transformation in our lives..

I sitting here operating my laptop and sharing my view with the world is simple now. Is it really?