Bereft

He shook her voilently.Moving her face to look at his.
He-What happened?
She-Nothing.
He-Then why are you being like this?
She-Like what?
He-You are not responding to me.
She-Yes i am.
He-Where is your smile?
She-Right here.You are looking at it right now.
He was very angry with her by now.His patience was slowly slipping away as he could see her flash that fake smile.It only told him the damage was far too deep and done.
He-Why won't you answer me god-dammit!
She-That is what I said to you.You were too busy to notice.
And there was silence as tears streaked down her face.He stood there helpless..

Voice lost

I tried as much as i could,

and now there is no more.

I failed to have you.

I got rejected.

And I stand here today

stranded and alone

with my voice lost..

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What comes with life?

Right from the beginning of my world there were things i din't understand and still don't.Earlier their was confinement.I didn't like to share my world with almost..well..anyone.I was alone,all was for me whatever i did i din't have to think about any second person.Restrictions had their own meanings and partly i accepted them because i felt secure in the restrictions almost from an invisible monster.Introvert as they call was what i liked to be.Many people knew me by name and sometimes actions but most of all they called me weird or crazy.They warned every other new girl around me before they got to know me that i was someone who was not to be interacted with.I din't mind cause i loved my privacy.At home their was no one either.I was scared of every little thing happening around me.Ghosts,nightmares,strangers and night was all frightening to me.And that was what was used for frightening me,to get me under control.The rooms used to crumble under the harsh noises from the fights in my family and i didn't have any say in that.I watched pain inflicted,submission and then again back to normal.It was almost a daily affair and seemed normal after around two-three years.
The very term socializing created a eerie picture in front of me and i avoided to step into the unknown world.I loved my own company though i don't know if i loved myself or not.
The incorrigible core of me was for no one.I started interacting people got to know me they stayed close,ditched and went away.It hurt a lot at first cause i had opened up and it was what made me dependent.I hated myself for being such a cry baby.Then i discovered a pattern through all the ditching and decided to bar entry even if what i had opened was a little part of me.I know most about a person but the person in front of me doesn't know me.Yeah they know what i do and what i don't but that is not what is me.I crashed myself,regained and molded myself back up to live.
Their is a facade on my face that is still hiding me.The timid,shy,innocent and good for nothing me.I am afraid yes i am to get hurt after being known for who i really am and left.
The derisiveness of life compels me then to shed tears that i so badly keep inside.Life given to me from whosoever it is believed to be the ultimate power has a emissary.But through it we have so much more to go through which is not planned by us but our actions that give away to them.
To put on a demure personality and walk forward in front of the world.Saying yes when they say yes and saying no when they say no is how the world works.It doesn't have place for the incompetent and helpless.Either you do as said or you can live on your own whims and wishes but with a beware that you don't get to be known to anyone and by stroke of luck only that you get something to live on and earn.
One fine day when i had decided to let someone come near me i saw all the unavoidable pictures weave in front of my eyes.I was yet to commit to anyone else rather than myself.They had assured me that they would be by my side to help me overcome my sorrows.They had failed miserably in that task.They had let my hopes down and made me damn dependent on them.Once more my world crumbled as i longed yet on the broken words said to me.The weight of  betrayal let loose on me and a feeling of being used shook through me.I was just but happy about the fact that they had not committed to me yet it shoot daggers in my heart cause i oh so badly wanted them to say to me that yes they commit to me.I fail to decipher what is life teaching me.I am yearning like a nincompoop.And i hate that i still surrender to their mellifluous talks and my anger vanishes at the very mention of them.An illusion curbing the mind.And i wish i had known and understood "the little you have to love the less you are attached to world"
Is life a play?
Yes it is and we are the actors/actresses as Shakespeare has long told us about life in his sonnet Seven ages of man.A circle,a vicious one is drawn around us as we experience life.
Moving in circles with the part and parcel life is offering to us.But we are the ones to choose and if we don't have a choice we got to make one to really live life.Freeing ourselves from the trap that life has lured us into.Step forth onto rainbow.
P.S.-It was written in first person but these are just the thoughts of the writer and not their own story.

Thing of play

When all doors seem to flood in with a pestilence stricken infectious aura of sadness and you think was it meant for me?

You don't have anyone to turn to,you will scream,call out to someone but all you would get are empty silence with the voice that you hear is of your own echo.A hollow embrace like a projected hologram mocking at you.The shadow marked on the wall would be the one eating away your own soul.

Nothing matters in this mean world does it?

No one cares for you like you are them and not someone else.When you find something happening like this know that it is the you under hypnotism and only getting out of it would be on hearing the sound of a snap and you will come rolling down the hill with a unavoidable thud.
They would tell you in their own diplomatic way that I am there for you just so that they don't loose their worth in your life that they may need you someday withering away in the stagnant claws of grief,for their hunger and thirst they know can be sufficed just by you.
She also had a day like that in her life when she was told that she meant something much more than she thought and then what happened?He ignored her like she was never owned, like she was some kind of rag doll they took to play with for passing time when with no option.Yes! She succumbed to that mellifluous i am one of your own talking hypnotist.When she woke up with the snap she found herself in a dark suffocating bottomless abyss where she continued to slide down more and more.What a unlucky bastard! she didn't even have the assurance of unavoidable thud.Till she encountered it she had to do with her guidance of feelings which were deteriorating second by second.
Prince charming and his conquest to find his maiden has long ago vanished in the folktales and fables of yesteryear.Now you will see him hunting for a temporary acquaintance,a mistress who would tend to him for sometime or rather the time allotted by himself for pleasure with the whore(to him) and then he will kick her out of his way and burn the memory of her in the air like that time period never existed.Promiscuity would be a word only associated to her and for him it just didn't work out.He will go on till he succumbs one day to her flawless dreamed girl.
Love by him would be poetry with skilled heart rendering words to woo the mistresses.With the devastating hunger for pleasure leaving behind debris of broken hearts and shattered emotions.
Devouring your skin,leaving marks with the precision of a beast in frenzy.He will light the flame of devotion in you to be solely his.
She still cries herself each night to sleep by the lamp with closed eyes and as a ritual every time a  prayer escapes those once pink lips now turned pale blue for him to be well,content and happy in life wherever he resides.
Hurt in her life had the very essence that pleasure carried in his world.Tormented her world lays crumbling in front of her and she doesn't know what to reply when the mirror asks her was it i?

The cold of winters melted with warmth of the bodies.

But who knew the spring had different plans!

Realization perched upon her parted lips,

when she saw all the crushed roses,lavender and lilies..

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Abuse

Not that the one who has not faced it understands it completely but still they do to some extent.The pain that one has to bear for a lifetime and the nightmare that never seems to erase off no matter how hard you try to wipe off and start a fresh.

Through the silent room soft sobs were let away in the winter air.Rohini hugged herself tight through the blanket wrapped around her.She had been touched and exploited by someone who had known her and that what pinched her the most the way she could do nothing about it.She could not tell anyone and the one with whom she shared it with she didn't know if that person understood or not that what it really was like.The pain that she was experiencing.One year is about to pass by she is still struggling with the memory.It's painful and tears trickle down her cheeks and she can't tell anyone that what is that she cries for.Through the dark night and the insects are the only company to her.Trying to lull her to sleep by there incessant sounds.

The sun rises wishing a smile to every face that wakes up but what about the one who never slept just because they were afraid that he would catch her in sleep too and she could not run away from that thought until she could break her nightmare immediately.No one besides to put her head to rest on there lap and caress her hairs softly to make her know that she will be safe no matter what.

Her heart seems to stop after she is finished on tears.She has to begin her day again holding her head high and bearing a fake smile just so that she can make through the day to find again the haunting night inviting her on a spree of innumerable sleepless nights.

If only he knew what irreversible harm has he done to her..

P.S.-Abuse in any way sexual,verbal,date,cyber etc. have equal impact on the mind and heart of a person.If only it could stop..if only the people we knew didn't cheat us..if only they knew how much pain does it cause..if..

A pray and a wish that i add for every cry and every tear shed by the abused each night in their confined walls that if there is a power that can heal or stop then may it do so before they loose their hopes and wish to live.

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