Suffer

The feeling of not having moisture in your skin. In simple terms the skin is dry which happens as begins the winter.

As if it is the harbinger of depleting life.  Same way like people suck out the energy out of you. What would it be like to be feeling this way from a person who is close to you. 

There is an ocean of thoughts that go on if something unexpected or surprising happens. One can understand that, take it in, accept it and move on. But what do you do when you don't understand it in first place. The only thing the mind enjoys doing at that time is overthink.

I want to stay away from somebody when they make me feel sapped out or bad from inside. What if I can't do that with the person who is close. Suffer. That is all there is left till you can't do it anymore.

What comes with life?

Right from the beginning of my world there were things i din't understand and still don't.Earlier their was confinement.I didn't like to share my world with almost..well..anyone.I was alone,all was for me whatever i did i din't have to think about any second person.Restrictions had their own meanings and partly i accepted them because i felt secure in the restrictions almost from an invisible monster.Introvert as they call was what i liked to be.Many people knew me by name and sometimes actions but most of all they called me weird or crazy.They warned every other new girl around me before they got to know me that i was someone who was not to be interacted with.I din't mind cause i loved my privacy.At home their was no one either.I was scared of every little thing happening around me.Ghosts,nightmares,strangers and night was all frightening to me.And that was what was used for frightening me,to get me under control.The rooms used to crumble under the harsh noises from the fights in my family and i didn't have any say in that.I watched pain inflicted,submission and then again back to normal.It was almost a daily affair and seemed normal after around two-three years.
The very term socializing created a eerie picture in front of me and i avoided to step into the unknown world.I loved my own company though i don't know if i loved myself or not.
The incorrigible core of me was for no one.I started interacting people got to know me they stayed close,ditched and went away.It hurt a lot at first cause i had opened up and it was what made me dependent.I hated myself for being such a cry baby.Then i discovered a pattern through all the ditching and decided to bar entry even if what i had opened was a little part of me.I know most about a person but the person in front of me doesn't know me.Yeah they know what i do and what i don't but that is not what is me.I crashed myself,regained and molded myself back up to live.
Their is a facade on my face that is still hiding me.The timid,shy,innocent and good for nothing me.I am afraid yes i am to get hurt after being known for who i really am and left.
The derisiveness of life compels me then to shed tears that i so badly keep inside.Life given to me from whosoever it is believed to be the ultimate power has a emissary.But through it we have so much more to go through which is not planned by us but our actions that give away to them.
To put on a demure personality and walk forward in front of the world.Saying yes when they say yes and saying no when they say no is how the world works.It doesn't have place for the incompetent and helpless.Either you do as said or you can live on your own whims and wishes but with a beware that you don't get to be known to anyone and by stroke of luck only that you get something to live on and earn.
One fine day when i had decided to let someone come near me i saw all the unavoidable pictures weave in front of my eyes.I was yet to commit to anyone else rather than myself.They had assured me that they would be by my side to help me overcome my sorrows.They had failed miserably in that task.They had let my hopes down and made me damn dependent on them.Once more my world crumbled as i longed yet on the broken words said to me.The weight of  betrayal let loose on me and a feeling of being used shook through me.I was just but happy about the fact that they had not committed to me yet it shoot daggers in my heart cause i oh so badly wanted them to say to me that yes they commit to me.I fail to decipher what is life teaching me.I am yearning like a nincompoop.And i hate that i still surrender to their mellifluous talks and my anger vanishes at the very mention of them.An illusion curbing the mind.And i wish i had known and understood "the little you have to love the less you are attached to world"
Is life a play?
Yes it is and we are the actors/actresses as Shakespeare has long told us about life in his sonnet Seven ages of man.A circle,a vicious one is drawn around us as we experience life.
Moving in circles with the part and parcel life is offering to us.But we are the ones to choose and if we don't have a choice we got to make one to really live life.Freeing ourselves from the trap that life has lured us into.Step forth onto rainbow.
P.S.-It was written in first person but these are just the thoughts of the writer and not their own story.

I am 18!

Going 18 has its own charms? I don't know really.And as far as in know people have a tag for every year added as a candle on your cake or they simply make one but out of those the stepping into teenage world,turning into adult,entering middle-age and going onto 60's are the most celebrated ones.I feel that before becoming 18 you have many new things lined up for you(mostly).You start to think what would it offer you or rather what is that is so cool about being an adult.Right now i feel like i am standing on a deserted island with what way to choose to cross over is alien to me(It is because of the timing of my birth date ).I am sometimes mesmerized by the beauty surrounding me and at times i just stand and stare totally blank.I am going to make some changes in my life, not that i have chose to but it is important at this phase of my life otherwise i would be one of the left out ones.

You sit somewhere peaceful enjoying a nice cup of whatever you like.You think about the past and what all has made you what you are today.Now there are choices 

A)You remember the bad things.

B)You remember the good things.

C)You remember both.

Now doing A) B) or C) have their own plus and minus points but how would you know that you are doing the right thing.When after finishing that cup of whatever you like you still have that peaceful thinking and ability to judge the beauty of 

your surrounding intact.You have not let your past affect you, rather you have made your decision to move along with whatever you have and to make the best of whatever is going to come ahead of you.That is being an adult(according to what i feel,you can modify or tell your own definition ).

As per these numbers being added to your ages its a judgmental parameter.The government says that you are an adult and have the power to enjoy some advantages that you could not when you were not termed as one.

Whatever i don't feel an iota of change as of now,gradually everything changes in life so its not an attribute of being 18 and adult.But with the coming of this age whether i feel something different or not but i do have to do list to complete my adulthood.

1.My mother bubbling with happiness said you have to now manage your account(Actually she was maintaining it finally she can rest that in my hands).

2.I have to get a voter's id(As if i am eager  )

3.I can get a valid license to drive!!!!!!!!!!(This is the only thing that is making me happy right now )

4.I can go for movies rated A(Adult)(As if i was not watching one when i wasn't )

5.I have to get my passport renewed myself and that too online and if you guys read the newspaper or are doing anything related to passport then you might know renewing passport online is one hell of a task!! And this is because after you are an adult you can get the validity of your passport as 10 years(India) (These are my father's order)

The list can go on but this all what i have right now on my mind and yeah for some,one important thing might be missing.But you have already gone through this phase or going through or about to go through and you know what is that one thing that i have not mentioned here and is pretty obvious  .And this one thing was mentioned to me right at 12 after wishing me.

And most importantly now people can taunt me by pointing out my age and say "You are an adult now it is your responsibility" 

That is that and here i wish myself Happy adulthood and i turn 18 today  and i don't know if it is early to put it like this but i ain't afraid of getting older and neither of dying  If someone at all reads this then do share your 18 or stepping into adulthood in comments!

1.P.S.-I guess i can even booze or is it 21? 
2.P.S.-Co-incidentally i have got my 118th follower as i turn 18.It's you *Dark Angel*

Key to my adulthood!

Irony!

Life is full of it.Whenever you think you have got an answer you would be somehow bent to think of the other side or possibility.I have met two people recently whom i found so damn contradicting that i could not stop myself from writing this.

First situation

A girl of 20 years,wants love from someone.At times she thinks that he loves her and some times she can't help but make out other possibilities such as a no.

She -I don't know how i should ask him this but i know he loves me.He says so many things which point to it.

I -Good.Then you should ask him sometime soon.

Some other day with a bad mood how she talks about the same subject

She -He does not care for whatever i do he only talks to me when he needs me.I know i am no one in his life.

I -*Silence*

And then she goes on about the negative aspects...contradicting something she might have said some hours ago in the same day.

When a man cares for you out of his good mood take it as it comes,as you are actually being pampered.You don't know when and how the same mood slips and becomes something which makes you cry.And again keep the possibility in your mind that it is not necessary if a man cares for you that he loves you or if a man loves you he would care for you.At times certain love stories aren't the perfect fairy tale ones and neither are they as simple as a proposal given and accepted.When you can wait for your love with sure perseverance and patience then someday you might know the truth from the person(again keeping false hopes are subjected to your conditions) or you can not wait for an answer and move on with your life to find a partner who would propose you or accept your proposal.

Second situation

A guy of 21,does not quite believe in relationships.And has what you call a knack for friends with benefits.

He -There is something good about this girls.

I -And what is that?

He -All of them i had a relation like this are wonderful human beings.

I -What exactly does that mean?

He -I have a relation such as this when i know they have a nice heart.

I -What has heart to do with this kind of a relationship?

He says he can't afford to be in a relationship but yet whosoever he sleeps with or f***s wants that they have a nice heart.When you would f*** someone and move on what's the point that they have a nice heart or not after all you are engaging for pleasure(read lust) and not love.

And last but not the least.I have known this person for quite sometime.

Third situation

A guy in his late 20's.Is high on life,happy go lucky and knows how to enjoy life.He likes what is known as change.He believes in the quote 'Only change is constant.'

In a conversation

I -Is change that necessary?

He -It's the rule of life.You cannot avoid it so better be with it than against it.

A conversation with him some other time

I -If you love someone won't you say it to her?

He -I don't know.

I -That is not an answer explain me why wont you say it to her?

He -I think once i commit in a relationship i would have a big change.

Now what more could i have said about it to him.He likes changes and accepts them but then why can't he accept one in the sphere of love?Afraid that it is big eh?

Which WAY do you want to go?
Even head is yours and tail is yours.Then what's the meaning of tossing around.

My love..

I used to be with him half of my day..we were inseparable.We used to eat food together.Laugh out loud.Watch the green meadows or a stormy sky or a pleasant drizzle.

Whenever i used to be sick,we couldn't meet up and when he was sick i couldn't meet him.How addicted we were to each other.He needed me and i needed him.Sometimes we used to be so near to each other that i used to be afraid that something may happen to him.He never thought any harm could be done to me.

Well whatever it was,one fine morning my father was shouting on me.He came to know how close we were.But by now everyone knew what he meant to me.I was taken away from him.Or so they thought that they have taken me away from him.But love found it's way and when no one was around i could be with him.Love him like i did.He was my biggest support,he made me learn so much and i could tell him to be how i wanted him to be and he would agree without a noise.

But one day that awful day came and he was separated from me in a way that we could have been never ever close to each other again.He expired and i was inconsolable.How badly i needed him to be by my side.And he went away with much harm done.

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Well it was my old love,now i have a new one yes i mean i have a new one.It was easy to forget him and no one could ever get me so much addicted as he did.Oh i loved him so so much.

Well my lovers name is ..its not so easy to be written over here.So i give out a puzzle so that everyone does know my lovers name.Yeah i miss him it doesn't matter that i got a new one,we were so intimate you know.

20 5 12 9 22 9 19 9 15 14

Provide alphabets to the numbers.