Turmoil

"Tune mere Jana kabhi nahi jana"

Softly crooning to the guitar chords and empty beats.

The pain and despair is evident in your eyes as the song plays on loop.

The love and anguish are moving hand in hand, neither can you be and nor can you leave.

Those moments make or break the relation.

"Oh heart of mine with a song and a whine you're harsh and divine like the truth and a lie."

The persistent reminder of a heartache and faint smile from the backdrop of it all as life unfolds.

You are holding all the cards in your hand but the player in front of you is controlling all your moves and the player in front of you assumes vice-versa for you.

It's hard living with a single decision everyday and then we ask that do we have a choice. But in reality it is the choice we have made. To be or not to be.

In the tough times you got to hold and move on.

"Wake me up when it's all over, when I am wiser and I am older."

Real to reel

Jhilik begged him to not leave, said they could make it work. They were both meant to be.

All was on deaf ears as Shoibal begin to inch forward towards the main door. He slung his rucksack on his shoulder and left the house, banging the door close behind him.

She crumbled to the floor as if her whole world had ended right there and then. Sobbing loudly while thumping her palms on the marble floor. Bangles cracked piercing through the skin of her wrist as the blood coloured the floor.

"Cut" said the director.

Everybody applauded watching the pure rawness of the shot.

Getting up from the floor Imon looked at Abir the director with her bloodshot eyes.

Abir cast his eyes down silently. Only they both knew that this was a known piece of reel that had already uprooted their lives in real, five years ago. 

Lost chance!

You don't seem to reply.

I wished it to bespoken by you.

What if they were in my dream,

that i portrayed that big hall, 

a extravagance gather.

We danced to the tunes,

and cheered with the talks.

I ask you a question, 

you raise your eyes and stop.

You ought to answer me, 

at least when i ask you once in reality.

But you loose your chance,

and left me wondering. 

For 'yes' or 'no' which was for me,

on my way wandering.

I cry and submerge. 

I walk down the last aisle of pain.

Get myself a shot to restart,

smoking air I leave my past in ashes.

Lungs filled up it really doesn't matter.

Dropping last bit of emotions,

i will leave you my trail.

When you find me, 

you shall only regret.

If only i were alive, 

that you could have said.

Zakhm

कुछ पल के लिए हम भी थे रुके, 

पीछे मुड उन निगाहों का;

आगाज़ ज़रुरी सा जैसे हो उठा |

पर वो न ठहरे हुए थे वहाँ|

कम्बख्त दिल में,  

जो वो रुबरु होने की, 

इक चाह मचल गई थी | 

फिर दर्द सा उठा और, 

वो एक और ज़ख्म तौफे में,

हमारे बिन कहे ही छोड गए |

************************

For ephemeral moment i stopped,

to look back in those eyes,

was so intense a urge.

But he was not waiting there.

Crazy heart had that, 

reeling glances desire.

Again a pain resurrected,

and he left me a gift of wound,

without my need to ask.

Sans Memory

I capture those glances of your in my heart.

The steady rhythm of your words as they call;

As they call my name and address me as yours.

Through the towering feelings,

as of residing on cloud nine.

I wish that your happiness never subsides.

As the clock ticks and does its round,

the moments bygone slips through palms.

Floats in air like ashes of charred logs.

Fleeing away like detached and dry leaves.

Rustling and revolting the natures sound.

Clash through the ticking hours, 

it happened with me.

A touch of heaven that i perceived.

I have lost all with the tragedy.

I am done with the past. 

And all that i am left with, 

are new beginnings to create.

I have let past go like sand caught in hand,

though it was not as i had planned.

But all i am left with are broken thoughts.

No links and bends, 

just fractal i glimpse in broken chords.

Yes i am sans memory.

And have forgotten with whom i was,

and who called my name, 

and told me that i belonged with them.

Image Courtesy

Excoriated Soul..

How does it feel to loose your soul? Difficult to answer cause rare ones have felt the existence of soul and some doubt of it being in reality within us.

It just vanished in thin air..there she laid her eyes wide open and she couldn’t say anything, nor move. Like a statue carved out of white marble, those delicate pink lips, deep blue eyes, and spectacular countenance. Time had frozen as she had wished so many times; everything turned cold –her body, mind, heart. The palpitation it stopped, her face was as if she was witnessing utmost calm and peace with a horror still prying her eyes.

One day back she had what she thought the most wonderful feeling of her life, something moved in her, she felt her heart rise with joy, her being drenched with togetherness .She placed her hand on his and he reverted back by putting his on her. Lying there together they had never ever thought that there could be something so wonderful in this whole-wide world. Though the shattering of the inner self of her wasn’t known to him and she bet it that the last blow would bring her down to pieces that could never be rejoined or regaled. Closing her eyes, she intertwined her fingers in his. They lay hugged with each other, she wanted to whisper something in his ears but her words have dried, tears trickled down her cheeks and she couldn’t understand whether it was of joy or of sorrow. She watched his face, it had taken a pale color but yet it seemed satiable, those closed eyes were showing calm, the breathe was signifying harmony. She brushed his hairs away from his eyes with one hand and with the other she caressed his back. His lips turned into a smile and he pulled her face close to his and kissed her lips. The night covered them in the dark aura of enchantment and seeming doubtless love. She watched him whole night sleeping and she was amazed by the fact still that this had happened with her.

Then by the time the sun had rise and his senses were getting ready to wake up ,she had closed her eyes with hands still tightly gripped together and the embrace the same way that it had been in the beginning.

Today she woke up and found herself lying all alone by herself on the bed and she didn’t knew what it meant. She got up afraid and insecure but she crossed her doubts and put up a smile across her face. As she searched all through the places wrapped in a blanket through the bedroom, drawing room, kitchen, balcony and then finally she reached the main entrance door to her house and there on the table by the side of the door laid a envelope. The door was ajar and she picked up the envelope, pulling out the piece of paper read the content

Dear

      Undefined,

                     Yesterday evening and night was something I can never forget ever. I would remember it whole my life. It was a wonderful feeling to possess you inside me and talk with you for so long. I had not slept that way for a longtime and I was so relaxed after I had poured myself out to you. There were some secrets and some fears that I had let you know and I hope you would keep them all to yourself. Before meeting you yesterday evening I had not planned anything and I didn't have the slightest intentions to be like that with you. And I was aghast that I let that all happen. Today morning when I got up and realized what I had done to you and what you might have felt by it I was really ashamed of myself. But I didn’t regret it cause I feel there might be something good behind it. Don’t misinterpret me but I can’t be what I was to you yesterday, it was someone else in me and I am not that and as far as I know I can’t be that. I am leaving for my home today and I wish that we don’t keep in touch. The relation that I had shared with you was very beautiful and I might never come across such a relationship but trust me the reality of life is that whatever begins has to end too and I mean about this relation and this has to end, it has come to it’s end point. Have a blessed life ahead and I am not the one you seek for there might be someone who wants to never end but just be in the beginning with you and I am not that.

                                                                                                                      Yours,

                                                                                                                       Invincible

Yes dear all she was the undefined and he was the invincible. Invincible could not ever define her and Undefined could not ever conquer him. Separations happen to everyone but some are just unbearable and that was the final blow that was being feared and it broke her to pieces and there she lay like shattered pieces of glasses with lost identity and life. She lay there dead out of the sudden expulsion of realization after the dream that proved itself to be so and not reality.

Picture Courtesy

It..

It poured afresh to meet the end,

melted

molded

mounted
splurged
sucked

splattered

It yearned for another beginning..

Picture Courtesy

55 Fiction :Accident!

Here is my first attempt at 55 Fiction.Let's know it from you does it make sense or not :/

What am i doing on this hospital bed Alex?

Sweetheart don't panic it's alright.

Alex i have a good news for you.

What is it Zysha?

I am pregnant!
Alex kisses her forehead.

The doctor enters there room and says

 "Sorry we could not save the baby."

He hugs her and sobs fill the air.

Complete!

This entry is submitted by me for Thursday Poets Rally Week 45,

Trembling hands picked up. 

The white transparent bottle jingled full of pills.

She read the contents and it said tranquillizer.

She opened up the lid, 

thought of popping some inside her.

But her self could not move it ahead to pour.

Bottle slid from her grip,

the rolling pills scattered on the floor. 

Blankly staring the floor she started crying.

Small sobs turned into big hysterical ones.

Sliding on the wall she thudded on the floor. 

A scrapbook laid aside, 

she slept on that numb floor and opened.

The scrapbook slowly turning through pages,

she saw and remembered....

he and she talked 

he and she talked some more

he and she met

he and she came so close

he and she confessed love

he and she hugged

he and she kissed

he and she were unbreakable

he and she never fought

he and she were the best couple

he died...

She is left...

She picks up the gun for once and for all,

a sound of click and she pulls the trigger.

She is also dead now,

and so the scrapbook is complete.

Her memory..

This entry is submitted by me for Thursday Poets Rally Week 44,


Misted air of laziness covered up.                                          

Resuscitating from the blown smoke in air.

Iris hued blue ,opened wide staring infinity.

Galaxy of untouched and unscathed mysteries unfurled, 

Aficionado like he flew through them.

Nostalgia sped past while reviving her memories.

Kef it was as her reflection drugged him.

Dolce as she liked to address him echoed in his ears today.

Ubique her aura surrounded and he submerged.

Beguiled smile of her imaged in his eyes,

Eroding the left patience and calm.

Yearning was reignited yet again.

Image Courtesy-Vinayaka abase

Glossary-

Kef-State of dream or drug-induced repose

Dolce-Sweet

Ubique-Everywhere

Wiped..

It's written by me as a part of Mag60 (Magpie Tales)..

On a winter night, 

I looked out of the window.

Blew some hot air on the glass.

With numb cold hands, 

but heart filled with emotions,

i wrote over there : 'Love forever'..

Seasons gradually changed.

She loved me i knew so. 

Today i talked with her for the first time.

She fought with me.

But i couldn't be away. 

Even one moment from her.

After all i dreamed of her.

The bitter truth was harsh on me,

it was she didn't love me.

It ringed in my ears for so long.

So hard to believe and move on.

My heart squeezed, 

it's beats lost somewhere.

It was a rainy day,

tears welled up my eyes.

I looked out of the window,

stared the glass.

Alas! the words were drenched in pain,

and wiped from there forever..

Image Courtesy-Magpie Tales

Shattering Escape..

Mystic voices in the mind,

ripping the whole body.

Flames rise up high in the fireplace;

with each drop of emotional rise.

Trickling sweat beads on the cheek.

Ricochets the inner trembling void.

Hearth cools down,

illuminated coal remains.

The wind blows the ashes around.

Engulfing clouds she gazes from her window.

She feels a moist touch,

streaming down her cheeks,

blazing pain full of bitterness.

It had dug down deep in her,

placing itself in the heart.

Scratching her soul to infinitesimal.

 

The dark clouds scatter away,the lupine looks above into the zenith.Zephyr drives the silently lieing leaves on the ground.The white moon glows and a howl is heard.She runs out of the backyard.Soft,moist soil touching the milky,white,porous skin.Like a china doll,she glazes shattering into the air majestically.Creating a wonderful hue such that of a rainbow.Her soul escapes,she stares blankly.It escapes in the infinity,she is left with nothing now.....

जष्न-ए-रंजिश का

रंजिशे पुरानी है हमारी मोहोब्बत से ,

दर्द दिए है हमेशा इस भ्रम ने |

हम पहचान सके थे उससे , 

फिर ये ऐसा रक्तिम लहू बहता है क्यूँ | 

स्फटिक था सब निगाहों के दर्पण में ,

फिर भी धोके में जी रहे थे |

सच सामने था हमारे ,

फिर भी इस बिचारे दिल को गम दे रहे थे| 

उस धोकेबाज़ी के खेल ने; उससे हरा दिया| 

जुदा हुए हमसे वो ,

फिर उन्हें मोहोब्बत का अघाज़ हो आया |

शीशे से चकनाचूर दिल ,

बटोरने चले वो हमारा |

उनकी बाँहों में पूरा होकर, 

दम हमने वहीँ तोड् दिया |

That winter day..

Shyla was waiting that day for her very special mail. No it was not an E-mail (as most of you must’ve thought in this tech-savvy world),it was to be a letter from a very special person.

                                                    *************************

She was really small at that time when her teacher pointed out to her.You..she looked amazed as she couldn't think how was she being called out from the whole class of 50 students and that too by her new class teacher.It was the batch of 1987-1988. She stood up and replied “Yes mam”.Her teacher said “You are pretty good at singing aren't you, I have heard you sing in many competitions and festivals though you never have sung a single song in the school.” She looked at her teacher surprised. Yes she has sung quite a number of songs in the functions and competitions of the colonies held on some special festivals but she never thought someone might have noticed her so intently.

She was not sure of giving a yes in front of so many students in her class. She liked to be alone and never did she mix up with any girl in her class. But she had a best friend named Neha who exclaimed out after some moments of pause “Yes mam she sings really well.” Now Shyla was not in a position to say no as her best friend had announced of the thing in the class.

Her class teacher was evidently there music teacher. She was in class ninth at that time and the students were asked out to fill in the information regarding what would they like as there extra-curricular activity. Shyla filled in interior decoration as she was being accompanied by her best friend there. When there classes started off after the summer vacations, the first day they had last two periods of activity(extra that they have chosen). Names were being called out for each student to go in their respective activities. The list of interior decoration was finished and never did name of Shyla was said. She asked her mam and she replied “Shyla you are in the music activity”. Again she was left in amazement. Neha was happy for her and convinced her to accept their teacher’s decision .She started learning what ever was taught to her. She loved music from a very small age only and hummed herself some songs basically when she was stressed out and wanted to become one with herself. Now this was something else to sing in front of your mam and some students. There were five students in the class of music including her.  Her teacher knew about her singing as she lived in their locality only and one day she asked Shyla in the school to visit her place.

She walked in that evening to Mrs. Nathans place, She greeted her with a good evening and she instructed her to sit down. Then she asked Shyla “Are you afraid of singing in front of your teacher and the girls who know you? Your classmates I mean”

She smiled a bit uneasily and let out a sigh. So Mrs. Nathan gave in more subtle hints as to she really wanted her talent to grow and unfurl into something big and deserving for her.

She began saying “I like to sing for the once I know who would accept me and my classmates….There was a long paused moment and Mrs. Nathan said continue Shyla.She began again “They have never accepted me as I am besides neha and she is my best friend and I am afraid of the teasing and disgrace that they would shower me with” Mrs. Nathan said “hmm there seems to be a big problem in there, if you are afraid of rejection then you won’t rise my dear”.

She held her breathe and said with a heaviness in her words “I wish to sing in front of you but I won’t like it in front of even those 4 students in the music class.” Mrs. Nathan smiled and said “ Oh! That’s wonderful I will give you classes in my home but I won’t charge you and you should be regular.If you are ready for this deal then I accept your beginning.” Shyla was unusually happy and she said “yes”

And after that day she had begun her journey, she learnt her voice of soul more deeply with Mrs. Nathan. They were never friendly and didn’t knew about each others family, they just connected on the ground of music. May be they never felt they should know more than with what they would connect with each other. It was a very chilly winter evening and Mrs. Nathan had been keeping unwell for a while these days. Now Shyla was in class twelfth and she didn’t knew how she had covered so many years with Mrs. Nathan.Wrapped up in a leather jacket Shyla showed up on the door on the very date of 14-December-1990. Mrs. Nathan’s daughter opened the door. Madhumita(as her mam used to call out to her daughter sometimes) in age of 22 was a beautiful lady with curly,black hairs, and a sweet voice. She told Shyla to wait for sometime as today her mother would take some time to come to that room as she was unwell. She sat down and for the first time she really noticed her surrounding, the music room of Mrs. Nathan. It was beautifully decorated with portraits of ladies holding different instruments adorned on a cream color wall. The mats were arranged in a very simple and neat fashion. As she was going to look at the tanpura kept on her side she saw Mrs. Nathan coming. Mrs. Nathan smiled at her and asked “ how is the winter treating you my dear?” She smiled back and replied “ Mrs. Nathan I love the winters”. Mrs. Nathan said “oh! That’s wonderful even I enjoy winters very much but this time the winter is being cruel to me.” First time in the long course of time they had talked something besides music. Mrs. Nathan said I shall not be able to teach you today but I want to talk to my long taught student. “How are your preparations for the boards this time Shyla?” She replied “I have covered all the chapters in the course book but still have the need of revision at this point of time. You are a good student aren’t you.I have seen you perform very well in the ninth standard that I was your class teacher.” Shyla shyly replied “mam that wasn’t the best by me”. Mrs. Nathan laughed and said “so what you will be? Rising sensation in the world of singing? I assure you ,Your mother and father will be proud of you.” Tears began to float in eyes of Shyla. Mrs. Nathan was worried and instantly said “why are your eyes streaming up my dear?”

Shyla replied “ I have been brought up by my big sister from the age of 7 years and I lost my parents in an accident” And her voice was choked after that and Mrs. Nathan put her arms around Shyla and hugged her consoling like a mother. She said to Mrs. Nathan “this is a really special winter day as I feel your warmth as that of my mother I have felt that ten years before.” That day onwards Mrs. Nathan became her mother and she asked about any problem that she might had have and treated her like her daughter. She got so much from Mrs. Nathan that she didn’t want neither of them to be separated by the stroke of destiny and time. That Christmas Shyla spent a warm, happy, loving day with her mam whom now she called ma and she was also accompanied by her big sister Parul. Mrs. Nathan treated Parul all the more same as Shyla. But Shyla had created a special place in Mrs. Nathan’s heart that winter.

Today it has been twenty years, and by the stroke of time and destiny Shyla had to go away from her ma, she was dilapidated that day it was another happy day of winter and it was going to be the new year in some moments when her ma exclaimed “this new year I want to give you a surprise my dear.” She asked “what is it ma?” She replied “I have been called up by a very famous music artist of down south but he gives music for hindi films too. And I had some cassettes of your melodious voice that I recorded and had sent them to him. He has chosen you to sing for an album and this would give you a nice break.” As the clock struck twelve and it turned the date 1-jan-1995 she was left in a dilemma. She didn’t want her ma’s dream of seeing Shyla as a singer be broken and as well as she didn’t wanted to move away from her. Now it was daily routine to visit her ma as a worshipper visits pilgrimage each day without a miss. She thought of that winter day when she was given a new life by getting a mother and today the day in winter when she had to make a hard choice. And the result was as obvious to her she was sent by her ma to the planned place and her sister Parul was in complete union and consent for her sister to become something. Now it has been almost five years away from her ma and she has overcome the fear of rejection in these years marking upon the words of her ma.

                                        ******************************

And today is the same winter date 14-December-2000(just that the year has changed but not the feeling of that special day) that she had called Mrs. Nathan her ma and was waiting for her ma’s letter. It came really late than Shyla thought and her bubbles of thoughts dissolved when the post-man was on the door. She hurried off to the post-man and signed as soon as possible to get her letter. This was one of the fixed day that she knew that she would receive a letter. She tore open the envelope and took out the letter to read.

Dear

      Shyla,

              This is Madhumita writing the letter this time. I have known you for so long and you have become like a sister to me the day my mother decided to make you her daughter. She always used to talk about you when she felt a bit unwell, about that winter day (which is today as you receive the letter). Her eyes used to light up whenever she used to talk about you. The day she sent you down in Bangalore, she had a smile on her face, but as soon as you left she cried like a baby. But that pain was nothing in front of the hope of seeing you as a successful girl as you are today. You have become a great sensation now; from the time you had started your career she used to tell away all the people that see that’s my daughter. You had a huge concert in Mumbai last week and you couldn’t contact her on Sunday the same week. She told me not to dial your number even when she was counting on her last breathes. I couldn’t go against her will. She was awfully unwell this week and she had some last words for you saying “Shyla now I know that people have accepted you whole-heartedly and you are no more afraid of rejection and I am happy that I could get such a priceless position of mother in your life. And I want you to know that the day you entered my class in ninth standard I knew you were to become something and I am really proud that you didn’t let my insights go wrong. I love you my dear and shall always be present with you in your heart and soul and you shall not hesitate of being rejected and you shall see that you would rise much more higher than the stars.”

These were the last words from her mouth and she died. I have the same grievance as you might be having right now and I wish you to accompany me this winter day.

Love

-Madhumita

By the time she had read the contents she had the same amount of tears welling her eyes up as she had that winter day…..And now she hurried to the place of her ma as soon as she could to see her face the last time and accompany her sister Madhumita this winter day and to give her the warmth and compassion that once Mrs. Nathan had given her.

 There have been many days in my life,,

Some go gloomy, others turn gay.

Your delicious dosa and chutney,

And I made those horrible idli’s that day.

The day I got you Mrs. Nathan in my life .

The day you taught me the song notes right.

All days have been very dear with you,

But none such as that winter day.

When I called you ma and ,

Even got some words from you ,

Bidding me only a earthly good bye..