Turmoil

"Tune mere Jana kabhi nahi jana"

Softly crooning to the guitar chords and empty beats.

The pain and despair is evident in your eyes as the song plays on loop.

The love and anguish are moving hand in hand, neither can you be and nor can you leave.

Those moments make or break the relation.

"Oh heart of mine with a song and a whine you're harsh and divine like the truth and a lie."

The persistent reminder of a heartache and faint smile from the backdrop of it all as life unfolds.

You are holding all the cards in your hand but the player in front of you is controlling all your moves and the player in front of you assumes vice-versa for you.

It's hard living with a single decision everyday and then we ask that do we have a choice. But in reality it is the choice we have made. To be or not to be.

In the tough times you got to hold and move on.

"Wake me up when it's all over, when I am wiser and I am older."

Lust or love?

From the curses to the lip curl
That kiss on forhead you blew
Bite marks turned maroon-blue
The colorful nights
And the way you swoon
Tapping feets to the symphony
The wisps of morning coffee you brew
Raging flames of hunger and thirst
Do you still want to love or lust? 

To the..

To the sweet good morning kisses and fiery nights.

Smelling the red wine in your muffled breathe while i lick your lips in anticipation. The red hot rods glaring at me from behind you as it cools our naked bodies in the winter.

All of a sudden its too hot in winters. When we are embraced in each others arms, my face reaches your armpit to snuggle and smell the sweat. Its sweaty and when i lick it, it tastes of ocean but i still love the way it feels, it arouses me.

Reaching up to your face i feel the prickly two day beard you have scrubbing my face, it burns so i move to capture your sweet and plump lips in mine. The smell of the garlics from the pesto spaghetti we had. Its mild and indulgent, almost makes me want to fill your mouth with some more of spaghetti and be fed from you.

Going to more intimate regions i smell the hunger emanating for her. So i lick and suck the sensitive zones which makes you hiss and moan. Caressing the bearings under them i plan to throw you in frenzy. Want to make you want me more.

When you caress my back with your hand, resting to pick and squeeze a bone you find. Crossing my hands behind my back just to see the protruding bones you picked on a while ago. I hiss and tell you to stop. You shower me with kisses.

"I imagined you in that short dress, how sexy you looked"  you say. I smile like i can see what you imagined. You curl a little more harder around me as if the imagination just turned real.
Your face, the marks and memory etched on them. I touch them and ask you the stories. Listening to them i am transported to that time where i can see as you go on unaware of the future, of the future where you would tell me all about it.

Barging into the room, you are singing same line of the song again and again in a cheerful and ecstatic tone. You have come back early from work you announce. I look at the smile on your face, it seems to be spreading all over you.

"When will you come back?" i ask and that is enough to make you distraught and cold. I want to take my words back because i feel like i committed a crime too grave. But its too late and your tone is condescending and behaviour is stolid while you give an answer appropriate in your mind for a crime like that.

The things are thrown around everywhere in that one room we are present. It's all too messy. I am careless and clumsy. Breaking a glass, the china bowl or that coveted bottle for storing water. I make a mess everywhere i go.

Simmering the milk on low i want to cook that sweet dish with dry fruits and tapioca pearls, after all you haven't eaten all day and kept fast. Just the way you like it, with no sugar and thickened milk.

"There are other things besides food and sleep, why don't you explore it?" you ask. "I do want to do that" i reply back. Not too convinced with my reply you glare at the mundane and monotonous way your life seems. I become a burden to you with my affirmation, making you realise how i am fine with just the way the things are.

I am a liar and a procrastinator. But i am also a lover and child at heart still making  out the head and tail of life. I want fairy lights, dreamcatchers, wind chimes, random and obscured photo of ours hanging from the rope pinned with a clip, bed made of wood crates, three sides of wall painted with white colour and one side painted pitch black, i want to lie on the cold ground with you in summer nights sharing a glass of chilled cocktail and watch the night turn into morning. But i have habits and expectations which dull all that i want. 

And all remains but nothing.

Disappearing sanity..

The sanity disappearing through the crevices of intoxication. It was all but such a small matter but it seemed huge at that time.

Hurtful words coming out of mouth and dispair in forlorn eyes. It's going all good and it just takes a moment to ruin it all.

If there is no sadness then how will we get to know of joy.

Life is like water. Water is like love. Stand for too long and it will get dirty and unconsumable. Flowing here and there making new ways and following the old ones, it will taste new and refreshing.

The gravity of it all is not understandable in one go. But when you do realise, the harm done is too big to repair. Can you move on and consider other things? Can you function like everything is fine?

Maybe you can. To bury the hatchet and lock the doors of the memories. Countless unending nights, conversations, disappointments, deceit, tears, lies, longing, pain and other things that hurt.

What is it to forget?  What is it to forgive?
It's hard but my god it makes the being so light when done. It takes time. But then what doesn't?

Cultivating patience to hold onto self and empathizing with others.

It's harder to love than to hate. Would you give up on love to hate someone? Will you choose the easier path? 

Home to love..

Hanging her coat in cupboard she put the groceries out from the bag inside the fridge. 

It was cold outside. She had been wanting to prolong the evening so much. It was no joy getting back to the empty house only to miss his warm presence. 

She took out the zuchini and chicken to make some soup. If only he could be here to join in. Taking the hot soup in the spoon and blowing air on it while looking in her eyes before putting the spoon in her mouth. 

He wouldnt tell her the correct date of when he will be back. So cruel she thought. It had been almost a month that she had not seen and hugged him. 

Last phone call was a week earlier. The weekend hung over her like a very doomed time. Funny how she did not want any holiday. 

Getting up in the morning to his kisses and making love day and night. God! why wouldn't he tell her, when is he coming back. 

As she put the pan for the soup to cook slowly, she went to the bathroom to take shower. A hot shower in the rosy winter. 

The winter was about to end very soon and that was not a really good news. The sticky and hot summer was very sweaty and smelly. Engaged in these thoughts she finished bathing and went to the cupboard to pick clothes to wear. 

A warm pair of hand grabbed her from behind while sprinkling kisses on her back. She knew it, it was him. 

She was so overjoyed. Turning back in hisvarms she devoured his lips like it was for the first time. The smell of him, the smooth just shaven cheeks, the plump lips and his hands roaming all over her body. 

There was no turning back after that as they made love, hungry and passionate love. 

The soup tasted much hearty and delicious from his mouth and the weekend looked happy after all. 

x

Swinging world

The rain is making the weather a bit cooler and getting rid of the humidity. Life nowadays witnesses relations just like the temperamental weather patterns in India in almost all the regions. Things change so quickly. Before you can wrap your head around a new event another one blows up right in front of you.

Likewise we are surely increasing are speed for accommodating such changes. I wonder what will come next. That is all we can do, wonder or at most predict the future when we don't know for sure.

Young people are becoming more effervescent and the at same time equally gloomy from inside. The ratios are screwed, philosophies are evolving, thoughts are weirdly warped, humanity is crumbling under pride and show-off and the time is running really fast. What does it take to stop the real emotions and feelings to fade away from the life of people. Things are highly digital and virtual. This technology has sure made life easy for most but future seems full of nightmares.

I wonder how far will love make it with all of us. I still love with my heart and soul, at least before i loose it all.

How easy it has become to skip from one track to another and forget about the things that were. Reminiscing is not a cool thing, it will make us loose precious time which could have been invested in following some two minute trend or a new series on the radar.

Living while we can with the real bits is the best thing possible, if only we realise what is real from what is not.

चिंगारी

एक चिंगारी जलाई थी तूने वो बात छेड़ कर

तड़पते रहे उस रात हम

बिस्तर पे करवटें बदल कर

आंखें बंद हुई तो बस एक ही ख्वाब था

तेरे होंटो पे मेरे होंठ

हम थे एक दूसरे की सांस बनकर

Image Courtesy

Love will never be enough.

Love is never enough and it will never be enough.

For all the fools who think that love can conquer anything might be very rich or have a lucky boon of surviving without food and basic necessities.

You should only fall in love when you are well settled and have a nice earning job. Even then please try and kill all your expectations cause one needs to sleep, eat, work. So there is really less time for love except for the rushed sex or a peck here and there.

Marriage is a concept of lightly putting forward that you have to create babies to make future generation.

And girlfriend and boyfriend or couples are already flawed. They just love and do nothing else at first cause its so exhilarating and new, then in somedays they are burdened with doing something new or keeping up with the emotional challenges of one another and finally they succumb to following their routine so that they dont have to put up with the challenges and it all goes back to few pecks and rushed sex. And running away at the first sign of putting any kind of effort. They always like to believe that putting effort is not going to change anything so why bother wasting time and energy which could very well be utilised in doing something of ones own interest.

Love is there at the back of the mind. Nobody can fight your challenge no matter how much they say they love you and they can never love the whole of you because of that. But they like to believe that you will fight their battle and be with them no matter what, you will never show any kind of disinterest and lastly they will expect from you how much so ever they wish.

So love is not enough ever and forever is a myth like for all the relations in life. 

Real to reel

Jhilik begged him to not leave, said they could make it work. They were both meant to be.

All was on deaf ears as Shoibal begin to inch forward towards the main door. He slung his rucksack on his shoulder and left the house, banging the door close behind him.

She crumbled to the floor as if her whole world had ended right there and then. Sobbing loudly while thumping her palms on the marble floor. Bangles cracked piercing through the skin of her wrist as the blood coloured the floor.

"Cut" said the director.

Everybody applauded watching the pure rawness of the shot.

Getting up from the floor Imon looked at Abir the director with her bloodshot eyes.

Abir cast his eyes down silently. Only they both knew that this was a known piece of reel that had already uprooted their lives in real, five years ago. 

Attraction or Love?

She walked skeptical on every path but at times she could just feel it in her bones. It was right there in front of her. She had fallen in love with a guy who in no way could have possibly matched her dreams.

Wait what? She did not have any dream about a guy. She hated boys from a very young age cause well A) The people around her always seemed to say that boys are bad, and B) She grew her own disliking cause of childish incidents.

This guy she had talked with at random was making her happy and she just couldn't shut up. She talked a lot like a stream of water was flowing because the sun has finally shone bright and high making the glacier melt.

This was nine years back. She had fallen in love and she kept falling in love everyday with him. There was nobody else so perfect, not even her father came close. She realized some relations without blood are much more precious than could be defined. 

Today was no different. Her heartbeat sped up the moment she saw him. The smile on her face was automatic and she couldn't stop the butterflies in her stomach. The hugs and kisses were too magical, making her forget about the whole damn world.

She met a guy recently. They talked for sometime. On and off for few months and then she could see something. This other guy was attracted to her and she couldn't make him to stop. This energy in the air was crackling and refreshing. She felt good about herself. She felt different.

At times you need a whiff of the coffee brewing some miles away from your favorite cafe, just so that you know that what you have is so special and nothing can replace it.

Attractions are temporary, they make you feel alive for some time. Its thrilling and the adrenaline rush is amazing. But love makes you feel alive all the time, every time. 

Like a mistress or...manstress

We all have somebody special in our life be it a friend or a good friend or best friend or someone from family or a girlfriend/boyfriend.

They are important in our lives and maybe somehow influence a great deal of things that happen in our life. We like to spend time with them and enjoy their attention showered on us.

When do you feel bad while being with them?

A fight perhaps, or a disagreement. Well, i guess these are too mild in terms of bad.

The mistress snatches away the limelight for bad. Well, i know you are thinking about that girl who has the perfect figure, big bosoms, luscious red coated lips, smoky eyes, a figure hugging dress, with a cheshire cat smile sprawled on the bed. I am sorry to be biased as i am not talking about the other guy in a woman's life as i have mentioned girlfriend as well.

But then that would be unfair, so thanks to urban dictionary i have a word coined for those extra guys keeping the girls happy which is manstress. I get a red line underneath the word in spell check. So, you might imagine a perfectly chiselled man, with washboard smooth abs, tall, handsome, to sum it a greek god with a smirk sprawled on bed.

No, i am not talking about either of them. Neither mistress or manstress as we know.

The things/activities they love and like to do, they put their everything into it. It makes them feel alive and breathless at the same time.

So when a consultant who is your friend is passionately rambling about problems of their patient complete with their life history but the moment you ask them something regarding a conversation you had back in the day and they give a blank expression. Now how does that feel? Mind you at this point that the conversation held back in the day was important to you.

This was just an example to give you a clear picture. So how do you deal with the mistress/manstress? 

I draw a blank at that. 

Till we meet..

The flickering lights fall on my face. What else did I expect?

It is blinding and chilling, sitting on these bar stools. I absolutely hate these stools, I long for a comfortable couch but I wont opt for that. Yes, seems like I have finally let go last shred of sanity.

I want it and I have it right in front of my eyes but those couches hold memory. It has been 3 months since he has left for work and I am pining badly for him right now. No calls are returned till the weekends and no mushy talks follow if I get through to him on weekdays. It is Saturday, at least today I can hope for that long late night talk.

-----

Destination needs to be changed he said

I beamed a happy smile mirroring his. He hugged me and told me how my smile was what he was waiting for. Why I had asked him and being the ever so sweet guy he is, he told me it was like a confirmation and seal to the ticket of the new work place.

-----

I cant leave this place because I have restrictions. Yes I know I can break through and all but well even I have needs here. But I need him too.

See I am totally positive that I am nuts.

Long distance is a pain in the a** but well I know that when we finally do meet it will be so good. I will see that happy smile of his, snuggle in his arms and take in the tantalizing scent of his cologne.

I stand up paying for the tequila shots. The alcohol has finally kicked in the nervous system. I feel a little tipsy but nothing that I cant handle. I hold the shrug closer to myself, self hugging if I may say. Exiting the bar I walk down towards our empty home.

Keeping the keys on the drawer I eagerly move towards the phone I had intentionally left on the bed.

11 missed calls

2 messages

My heart flutters with joy, the calls are his and the messages are random. Removing the heels, I grab my phone. I slide to camera mode and click a picture of myself in the blue little dress he had gifted me on our last marriage anniversary. Sharing it to him through messages I fall back on the bed.

The phone rings and I fall into the velvety cloud his voice weaves, the longing disappears momentarily. My easy tone guides him to my state and he plays with my imagination till he comes back for real to hold his sweetheart.

डर

बेवक़्त एक आहट जगा जाती है हमे नींद से
वो सिरहाने आके बाल सहलाते हैं प्यार से
जैसे मोह जुड़ा हो हमसे कोई
और हम आँखें मूंदते हैं उनकी इछाओं से

डर लगता है वो दे न पाएंगे
डर लगता है वो कह न पाएंगे
जो वो चाहते हैं सुना बड़े लगाव से

वो कुछ देर बाद उठ चले जाते हैं
नींद हमारी अपने संग लेकर
हम सोचते हैं क्यों है केहना इतना मुश्किल
की हम भी चाहते हैं उन्हें उसी चाह से

Image Courtesy

You

Your stare through those long lashes.

Your warm breathe on my tresses.

Gliding fingers across my skin.

I am lost in land,

land of you and me.

All day long wrapped in your arms,

I embrace my forever with you.

 Image Courtesy

You

I see that glitter in your eyes. People call you crazy. But i know the truth. I have seen the child in you and you in me. The days are cut short with you. Time flies away so fast. I wish to catch it i wished to catch and frame it. Now i know different.

Every memory shall be created, enjoyed and stored in heart and mind. Rest are just like ash. You draw it in paper, write it, capture it digitally, it all wipes out someway or the other. Some prone to accident and some put to flames of wrath.

I write today about you and me not knowing if this page will last. But i assure you that i have your words, touch, feel, fragrance and essence all locked inside me, where no one can enter till i don't allow them. It is safe inside me in the oceans of memory.

I am living in the forever of creation and with last breathe i shall let go all in air.

Free of me or is it me free of it. .

Image Courtesy

Tears

Are you in love with me?

She giggled as I asked her this question.

No. Of course not silly!

And he took the flight of his dreams. As she sat in her car, the tears silently answered his question.

Blush

She laughed a little on his silly joke and started coughing. He put the glass of water to her mouth. As she finished drinking, he came near her lips and licked the rolling drop of water from the corner.

Are you okay now darling? He asked.

A blush appeared on her cheeks. She looked at him and smiled. Even after 40 years of being together he had this effect on her.