"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection,and not fountain,to show them that we love them,not when we feel like it,but when they do"

Saturday, April 26, 2014

To end somehow. .

There were random thoughts in my mind, none of it was a happy one. It hurt me to relive those memories but I couldn’t help thinking about them. As the wind played with my hairs, I looked out of the bus watching the crowd yet lost someplace else. Everything around was buzzing with sound and chaos. I was shivering from inside but it was almost 38 degrees Celsius outside. I couldn’t sob or cry because people were around me in search of a weak moment to come and enjoy my agony and pain while displaying fake concern. At that point I wish sleep would come and consume my thoughts but it was nowhere near. I climbed down the bus and started walking. I was walking really fast and going faster by the time. It was hurting my feet but I just didn’t want to stop. Sweat was trickling down my face, back and arms. As I reached home I went for a cold shower, that was the time when I could let my tears flow. The warm liquid rushing on my cheeks while the cold water numbed my senses. I wanted to stop feeling.. feeling for myself, for her, for him and for all those who were plaguing my mind with haunting and painful memories. I just wanted them to be happy but they thought I was interfering. Fighting with me, stinging me with sharp words to make me get lost and stay away. I was trying not to breakdown, I knew they need me because they aren’t happy but I was in need of them as well. But they never tried to peek inside me and watch how they are breaking me with them. I have lost so much and I don’t know how to heal myself back. This pain is throbbing in my temples, this gloominess is tying me down to a heavy rock resting upon the earth, cutting me from top to bottom slowly and pushing me now and then to make me fall inside the dark abyss. It was in my nature to fly high like the birds in sky but here I was crushed and tied waiting for the nightmare to end somehow.