In circles

She looked out from the grilled window, it was very hot and humid but the kids were still running around and playing. It was weird how she wanted to do just the opposite even though she had the light and energy to be like the kids.

Something was not right, things were not falling in place. The more she tried to be happy, the more she sabotaged the chances.

It is too much to just be and do nothing? Yet she was doing just that what took most effort. The future posed questions and she had no answers. Delaying the inevitable reality.

As the sun went down, she sighed. A sigh of relief from the long and hot day. Now she could finally open up the door of her balcony and just feel the cool breeze on her face.

The wait was over for the day to pass. Night was not that difficult. Moreover, most of the night included sleeping.

The mundane and monotonous existence haunted her for days together. She hoped to rise up from the ashes like the phoenix after this flaming fire was over.

Life would flow just like this. To end an ordeal to begin another slowly and happily, till we would tire ourselves out again returning to the mundane and monotonous existence. 

Happy New Year?

I craved to do so many things at once.My eyes opened and closed furiously.What should i do?Cause i cannot fix my mind and heart on a particular thing.Take deep breathes...1...2...3....This was all i could say to myself each moment.Repeating it like a mantra.I thought it would make me reach Nirvana in sometime.I was confused.I made sure that i won't cry this time when the clock struck 12 and there would be no call or message for me..to wish me a happy new year.I had someone special in my mind but that someone was busy that is what i concluded.Even he wasn't in the best of his moods.So when the clock struck 12 and i stared at my cell display which remained the same "Dark",after controlling myself for 15 minutes i could not take it anymore.I cried..the tears flowed and there was no sound coming out of me.At last i picked up my phone and called him at 12:45 a.m. and he was so distant.It hurt me all the more.I somehow hated my decision of calling him.From that day on i decided not to call anyone from myself.To save myself a heartache.

This is what happens with most of the people.But you know what as i always say on the eve of new year or sometime before new year don't go about thinking will he or she call or should i call.Pick up your phone,call that special someone make them feel happy and cherished.And if you can go to there place then just pick up your car or take a public transport to be there for them.Put a smile on there face and wish them a very happy new year.
I am really sorry.This is for the 5-6 people who have given me the leibester award and i haven't been able to pass it on by acknowledging them in a post.Will surely take them up soon and thank you so much for them.
Hope you had a nice year and even if it was a little bumpy i am sure it taught you something.How was yours?And always remember "whatever happens..happens for good."

With this thought wishing you all a very Happy New Year..

Image Courtesy

Lost identity

They told her to trust them,she did.

They said they'll be there when the times are grey,she believed.

They told her they were saying the truth to her,she strived.

But a time came and she was standing there in the cold,

the rain was pouring so heavy and ruthless.

She looked back to find the trusted one but there was no one.

Silence emblazoned all around.

She wept till the tears ran dry.

No one held her in their arms.

No one cared for her but themselves.

No one caressed her and assured time ahead will be kind.

They had lied straight to her face and she lay there crumpling alone.

Scattering with every drop that hit her.

Breathing was laborious,but she breathed till

She wasn't what she was anymore!

Unnamed

As the moonlight lit the paved boulevard,it almost occurred simultaneously that how for fraction of second it must have been all dark through the trees and still was in some places where the shadow of the tree covered the road.There was no sign of a single soul in that almost ghastly silence.A parky wind blew through the blanket of night.Flickering the candles which she had lit on the post of entry inside the house.Her hairs played in their own tune ruffling and messing up as if almost wanting to follow what the winds wanted.She wanted wings to grow out of her,to be able to tear every bond and fly out high inside the dark black clouds.The melodious tune of the wind chimes penetrated every molecule of the air in vicinity,interrupting her dream to fly.

There are times when you think why did something happen if at all it happened.It is all part of a bigger plan that you are weaving slowly.He has been away for quite sometime,she knew this time he isn't coming back.Her heart screamed in pain but her mind tried to curb it with a logical reasoning.On many days like today they have talked with each other standing on their respective balcony or terrace.Several occasions gifted them with the opportunity to be together in front to be able to touch each other.

She thought to herself what was it that kept them bound to each other for so long and even now in feelings and memories if not any other way.And she remembered something she had heard long back

The gods tie an invisible red string around the ankles of those that are destined to meet each other in a certain situation or help each other in a certain way

It is almost like the concept of having soulmates.It was love that she had for him.Which was in no way distinguishable or comparable to any other feeling she had in her life.Such is the power of love that even the mightiest gods and universe creator have bowed down in front of it.

Shiva(a hindu god) when fell in love with sati because of her pure devotion,love and sacrifice of human life for him was bound with her forever.When she died he could not live like a god.Anger was his display on discovering of her death,nothing seemed right to him without her in his life.He left his home(supposed to be the heavens) and came on earth,he started dwelling a life of Bairagi until and unless he met her reincarnation.

She believed in her love but she was aware that no matter how hard she would want to be with him,she cannot be.A chance to be with him for whatever period possible did make her learn many things.She didn't regret whatever she did with him.Her longing was insatiable.Her mind always asked her Can life come to standstill if he is not there with you? She smiled talking to her mind you won't stop,cause you are not an emotional fool.Then she looked at her heart and said you damned are going to be all for him always.She was touched and possessed by him forever.She bore his mark on her.How much so ever she wanted to be with someone else,it wasn't possible because she was bound in an unbounded and unnamed relation with him.If only she had what he wanted in her,if only he had fallen in love with her,if only it was possible not to share him with anyone..

Falling leaves wishing goodbyes.

Hugging thyself she looks in sky.

Cloaked in the darkness she smiles whispering, 

maybe he is feeling that i am embracing him!

Insomnia

Each pore of cut that was made,

with the blade digging deep.

Each crimson drop that fell.

Like the falling grains of time.

Watching the infinity in front of eyes,

it seem to be never ending.

But it had a point; 

from where he may start a fresh.

Lonesome soul possessor, 

body without a heart inside,

mind that was clogged and plagued.

Touch that was not able to reach any human. 

Ghastly silence that got created, 

everywhere it roamed in infinity.

The cold wind that were blowing through the hole.

Burning the desires high and ferocious.

Meanings of words lost in the air.

Feel vanished in an instant.

Deciphering the codes was impossible.

Eyes that were not shutting at all,

heavy and in need of something.

The poison that ran through the flesh,

bitten he was by insomnia.

फ़ना..

This is a feeling of a lover divided in three portions..interlinked with each other but still not in continuation..Is differently written after every line break..But conveying only one feeling from the bottom of the heart and that is love.

अश्क यूँ फना हुए नज़रों से, 

उन्हें उनमें ख़ुशी दिखी |

हम रोए उनकी याद में ,

उन्हें दिलदारी दिखी| 

हम तो न थे ऐसे हमने कहा, 

वो बोले हमारी नहीं है ये खता | 

बेवफ़ा की तरह वो मुडके चल दिए, 

लव्ज़ जो थे होंठो पर सजाए,

वो वहीँ रह गए|

कहने को हम आप से यूँ कहते-- 

की कितना चाहते हैं हम आपको, 

आपके बिन बोले जान निसार करदे आप पर, 

जब चाहे मांग लो |

आप अगर चले जाओ तो कुदरत को छोड़ , 

आसमान में हम साथ देंगे .. 

भगवान भी न रोक पाएगा, 

ऐसा पैगाम देंगे |

दबे हुए हैं ये अलफ़ाज़ सुन सके तो ऐए दीवाने ..

---------------------------------------------------------------

आप चाहते हैं किसी ओर को टूट कर, 

खुश देखना चाहते हैं उससे हरपल |

हमे मालुम है, 

वो है आपकी आँखों की चमक, 

दिल में बसी कसक ..दुल्हन के सर पर सजी कुमकुम जैसी..  

हर धड़कन है आपकी बस उसके नाम से| 

हमने समझा आपको ..वो आपको छोड़के चल दिए 

---------------------------------------------------------------

दिल में कैद कर रखा है ये तूफ़ान जो आपने,

उसमें यूँ न बह जाइए,

उतर जाये अगर ये तूफ़ान तो हम सह लेंगे बिना उफ़ किए |

आप गम्हीन लगते हैं, 

दिल में कैद है आपकी आँखों की वो नमी, 

हम देखते हैं उसे..दुआ करते हैं वो हमे मिल जाए,  

आप कभी न ऐसे सिसके |

मन ही मन में आप बड़ा रोया करते हैं, 

एहसास है हमे की, गम छिपाया करते हैं इन नज़रों तले|

पर आप ये क्यूँ न समझे,

रंग है हज़ार सिर्फ आपसे ..जहाँ का हसीं निहार रहे आपसे..|

क्यूँ न समझे आप हमे दिल तोड़कर चल दिए, 

अश्क बेहते थे जो वो हमारे भी दब्ब गए ||

One day it will flow out..

It's in there no matter how hard you try,

It is sticking there in heart no matter how hard you pull;

It is beating with each second of time,

It is plucking each emotion out of you,

It is pricking each pore of your skin,

It is fluttering with every whisper you make,

It is compressing with each no you reply,

It is numbing with every cold word you throw,

It is penancing for every moment that passes,

It is sticking there in heart no matter how hard you pull,

It's there no matter how hard you try;

But it will flow out one day ,

And then there would be all smiles or all tears 

Too cumbersome to be explicable..