"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection,and not fountain,to show them that we love them,not when we feel like it,but when they do"

Friday, July 27, 2012

I am silenced

Shriveling with every breathe.
Shivering with every step.
Ramifications unfold my prophecies.
Its hard now to feel the self palpitating.
It grieves me to see, 
the life shrinking in them.
It hurts i say so, 
but all falls on deaf ears;
and parched heart which i was trying to resuscitate.
Couldn't they feel me holding?
Couldn't they see me struggling for them?
Couldn't they see i was drinking their pain?
Couldn't they see my claret burning?
I abandoned my trust on them.
I am silenced through and through.
And now they say i am unfair.
They will blame me, 
but can't they see 
that they sabotaged themselves!

Friday, July 06, 2012

What comes with life?

Right from the beginning of my world there were things i din't understand and still don't.Earlier their was confinement.I didn't like to share my world with almost..well..anyone.I was alone,all was for me whatever i did i din't have to think about any second person.Restrictions had their own meanings and partly i accepted them because i felt secure in the restrictions almost from an invisible monster.Introvert as they call was what i liked to be.Many people knew me by name and sometimes actions but most of all they called me weird or crazy.They warned every other new girl around me before they got to know me that i was someone who was not to be interacted with.I din't mind cause i loved my privacy.At home their was no one either.I was scared of every little thing happening around me.Ghosts,nightmares,strangers and night was all frightening to me.And that was what was used for frightening me,to get me under control.The rooms used to crumble under the harsh noises from the fights in my family and i didn't have any say in that.I watched pain inflicted,submission and then again back to normal.It was almost a daily affair and seemed normal after around two-three years.
The very term socializing created a eerie picture in front of me and i avoided to step into the unknown world.I loved my own company though i don't know if i loved myself or not.
The incorrigible core of me was for no one.I started interacting people got to know me they stayed close,ditched and went away.It hurt a lot at first cause i had opened up and it was what made me dependent.I hated myself for being such a cry baby.Then i discovered a pattern through all the ditching and decided to bar entry even if what i had opened was a little part of me.I know most about a person but the person in front of me doesn't know me.Yeah they know what i do and what i don't but that is not what is me.I crashed myself,regained and molded myself back up to live.
Their is a facade on my face that is still hiding me.The timid,shy,innocent and good for nothing me.I am afraid yes i am to get hurt after being known for who i really am and left.
The derisiveness of life compels me then to shed tears that i so badly keep inside.Life given to me from whosoever it is believed to be the ultimate power has a emissary.But through it we have so much more to go through which is not planned by us but our actions that give away to them.
To put on a demure personality and walk forward in front of the world.Saying yes when they say yes and saying no when they say no is how the world works.It doesn't have place for the incompetent and helpless.Either you do as said or you can live on your own whims and wishes but with a beware that you don't get to be known to anyone and by stroke of luck only that you get something to live on and earn.
One fine day when i had decided to let someone come near me i saw all the unavoidable pictures weave in front of my eyes.I was yet to commit to anyone else rather than myself.They had assured me that they would be by my side to help me overcome my sorrows.They had failed miserably in that task.They had let my hopes down and made me damn dependent on them.Once more my world crumbled as i longed yet on the broken words said to me.The weight of  betrayal let loose on me and a feeling of being used shook through me.I was just but happy about the fact that they had not committed to me yet it shoot daggers in my heart cause i oh so badly wanted them to say to me that yes they commit to me.I fail to decipher what is life teaching me.I am yearning like a nincompoop.And i hate that i still surrender to their mellifluous talks and my anger vanishes at the very mention of them.An illusion curbing the mind.And i wish i had known and understood "the little you have to love the less you are attached to world"
Is life a play?
Yes it is and we are the actors/actresses as Shakespeare has long told us about life in his sonnet Seven ages of man.A circle,a vicious one is drawn around us as we experience life.
Moving in circles with the part and parcel life is offering to us.But we are the ones to choose and if we don't have a choice we got to make one to really live life.Freeing ourselves from the trap that life has lured us into.Step forth onto rainbow.
P.S.-It was written in first person but these are just the thoughts of the writer and not their own story.

Sunday, July 01, 2012

I am in Problem.

It is part of life.Everyone have them.You know problems.The difference is how you deal with it.Some people like to run away from them,some try solve it,leaving it in midway cause simply they are done with trying and the last category of people holds the one who find the cure,apply it and come out victorious with a solution.I have and am experienced/experiencing all the three phases.

It infuriates people close to me to make me see applying the first way.But i don't know how do i become so helpless that i end up doing nothing other than going away from the problem.Thinking that it is a bad dream and when i wake up it will vanish.And they don't put themselves in my shoes and analyse the situation rather they just tell me what they feel is right according to their view point.
Some people love to preach and they would say things which for themselves are idealistic and they don't follow but they give you the idealistic thoughts in free-fund.I at times pity these people and at times am cross with them.You cannot help it,more than half the population has this very dangerous disease of giving unwanted advice,thoughts and words.

The second way out is the one where in the beginning you are determined that no matter what i am gonna find the solution and be done with the problem as soon as possible.But when you find out it is hard in actions than from the thoughts and words.You back off and fall back into the first category itself.I do this seldom and then realize what a big coward i am.

The third way is very hard and which i suppose goes well with the poem "The road not taken" if you don't know what i am talking about then have a look at the link hereThe Road Not Taken-Robert Frost.
When i follow this road and turn out victorious it feels good and life seems a bit little messed up from earlier.And it happens RARELY.

Now what made me pour these thoughts out here was that i kind of thought of talking to someone but felt they might be busy and i should not disturb them.So whenever they get time they will call but well.They called and we talked but could not cause there was chaos around.Deciding to talk later that day,i called but the scene was same and i was told that i would be contacted later.Now this later isn't coming and this is a problem to me and i am thinking as to call or let it be and wait for that person to remember that when chaos got over they had to call  ...No idea! I am a lost cause as of now and my friends call me that.I am so confused that i am not able to take any decisions but i have to no matter what.
I want to sort out the pros and cons with someone but there is no one around right now.Everyone is engaged in their life and bothered only about themselves.I am waiting for my number in their life(and wish that they give me a number soon because later on there might be nothing for them to help with,there is a duration of my current problems).I am very afraid of life ahead and i am sure about the fact that if at this point my decisions are wrong i stand nowhere later.
At this stage i can say that i am kind of hoping on hope.And i seriously wish some bad things are really bad dreams and will get over when i wake up from sleep the next day.I am badly in need of something to calm my heart,mind and soul.Plus this pathetic weather which is dull super hot is getting on my nerves!

From the last paragraph i can literally see myself venting out and i have done this first time on my blog 
Hope all you people having a nice life and if there are problems may they get solved as soon as possible 
Till then Hasta La Vista!