Turmoil

"Tune mere Jana kabhi nahi jana"

Softly crooning to the guitar chords and empty beats.

The pain and despair is evident in your eyes as the song plays on loop.

The love and anguish are moving hand in hand, neither can you be and nor can you leave.

Those moments make or break the relation.

"Oh heart of mine with a song and a whine you're harsh and divine like the truth and a lie."

The persistent reminder of a heartache and faint smile from the backdrop of it all as life unfolds.

You are holding all the cards in your hand but the player in front of you is controlling all your moves and the player in front of you assumes vice-versa for you.

It's hard living with a single decision everyday and then we ask that do we have a choice. But in reality it is the choice we have made. To be or not to be.

In the tough times you got to hold and move on.

"Wake me up when it's all over, when I am wiser and I am older."

Loyal Companion

"I used to sit in your room and not open the door or the window because you did not like it. It was difficult for me to stay in the room whole day and not go out. But I did it because you liked it that way."

Caging someone in a place where they have to kill their wishes just so that you can be happy.

Controlling your emotions because your emotions will effect someone else.

Relations are always complicated. Sacrifices are the biggest mistake and compromises are key to weaken relations day by day slowly.

Expect but don't expect those expectations to get fulfilled. Life is as it is so difficult and here we get up and make promises to make it more difficult by being in love .

What is right? What is wrong? Who is right? Who is wrong? Whose wishes should be fulfilled and whose done away with?

Make somebody miserable once and then let it be long enough and let that be the last one. Go on with your life alone because as I said it's already difficult itself.

The only loyal companionship that can be  is with hollowness. It never leaves you. Never.

Swinging world

The rain is making the weather a bit cooler and getting rid of the humidity. Life nowadays witnesses relations just like the temperamental weather patterns in India in almost all the regions. Things change so quickly. Before you can wrap your head around a new event another one blows up right in front of you.

Likewise we are surely increasing are speed for accommodating such changes. I wonder what will come next. That is all we can do, wonder or at most predict the future when we don't know for sure.

Young people are becoming more effervescent and the at same time equally gloomy from inside. The ratios are screwed, philosophies are evolving, thoughts are weirdly warped, humanity is crumbling under pride and show-off and the time is running really fast. What does it take to stop the real emotions and feelings to fade away from the life of people. Things are highly digital and virtual. This technology has sure made life easy for most but future seems full of nightmares.

I wonder how far will love make it with all of us. I still love with my heart and soul, at least before i loose it all.

How easy it has become to skip from one track to another and forget about the things that were. Reminiscing is not a cool thing, it will make us loose precious time which could have been invested in following some two minute trend or a new series on the radar.

Living while we can with the real bits is the best thing possible, if only we realise what is real from what is not.

You

I see that glitter in your eyes. People call you crazy. But i know the truth. I have seen the child in you and you in me. The days are cut short with you. Time flies away so fast. I wish to catch it i wished to catch and frame it. Now i know different.

Every memory shall be created, enjoyed and stored in heart and mind. Rest are just like ash. You draw it in paper, write it, capture it digitally, it all wipes out someway or the other. Some prone to accident and some put to flames of wrath.

I write today about you and me not knowing if this page will last. But i assure you that i have your words, touch, feel, fragrance and essence all locked inside me, where no one can enter till i don't allow them. It is safe inside me in the oceans of memory.

I am living in the forever of creation and with last breathe i shall let go all in air.

Free of me or is it me free of it. .

Image Courtesy

Fade away . .

I can see the projection of light,

coming through something hollow.

The chilly wind flows by ,

but i can't feel it chilling me.

As i flowed through our memories,time melted like a long-slim candle stick would.I stopped at a point..What was it? Why is it so hard to remember beyond it.My mind wears a dark shroud..I think it is black in color.No light passes out.
I try to focus on something else.I can see a smoky ghost in front of me.It is crawling on the floor,ceiling...walls...it is trying to say something to me."Sorry" I mutter,"i don't know what you are saying".If only i could understand..but how would i..no one ever understood me..I don't know how it comes..now that i think..i never even understood myself.What do i do...the smoke is vanishing fast from in and around the ghost.It wants me to save it.How do i do it? As i look around the room to find something to help it..him..her..i don't know..just help.My eyes fall on the mirror.I can see a flickering light but it won't last long..wait i see something more...A shriek echoes as though someone has ripped out a living beings heart and broken their soul in innumerable pieces.

It is me..the ghost is me..the shriek is mine..And i watch myself fade away..

It's you..

Endless nights of chatting,

with happy notes or sometimes agitated.

You believed in me to keep your secrets,

as even i disclosed some of mine.

Those brown orbs of yours captivate me.

Lips distract me from saying what i have in mind.

Long and artistic fingers entwined with mine.

Your soft singing in the silent night.

Here i smile,

though a sad smile cause i am missing you.

Hoping of dreaming about you tonight,

Dropping and rising in thoughts.

Every passing minute i hold you in, 

somewhere,sometime connected to moments.

Cherishing the times,

when i lay held in your arms tight.

55 Fiction:Lie..

I have given you my word.Don't you trust me on it?
She did not raise her wet hazel eyes to meet his.
He pulled her by the chin and said Look at me.
Why should i trust you?
Because...
This is not the first time you lied to me about i being your priority.....

I feel. .

I bled through to the flickering present.

Feeding myself to flames of test.

Grabbing on to the thread that joins; 

me and you to the fatal world.

Hope their is but no one knows.

Love their is but no one feels.

And i shall live on just to get the last touch.

With the trust that was never meant to be.

"And i mistook a intense infatuation to be a emotion of love.."

Voice lost

I tried as much as i could,

and now there is no more.

I failed to have you.

I got rejected.

And I stand here today

stranded and alone

with my voice lost..

Image Courtesy

The scent..

A fragrance wafted in the air.I thought i knew it as i was nodding my head with the beats of the song playing on my i-pod.And as i reeled through each song i could find some bits of memories from my life matching with the wordings of the song.Sure thing happens with most of us.So back to the fragrance.I knew that i have felt it before somewhere but where that was the question.

I looked out of my room struggling out of the warm blanket wrapped around me.There was utter darkness and pin drop silence.Then with utmost precision i opened the creaking window.With full care so that it doesn't wakes anyone else.

I looked outside and there was no one but i could feel the scented air.The diffusion had been slow as the scent came in small bits after every absorbing moment.

I got up and went outside.The night looked more beautiful when you can feel it engulfing you.And that is exactly what i felt,one with dark and silence.

I moved through the wet grasses bare foot,as my anklets jingled happily.There was no tree around our house and nor could anyone find a house to call neighbor before walking 3 kms.

I moved on watching the fireflies flying in the tall grasses.The owls eyes shining perched upon a distant tree.The stars were gazing me and moon was lighting my path.I could feel myself going closer to the scent.And there I saw it.The one fragrance that made me way happy.

As i could feel the winter chills advancing with each passing day.And so i realized it's time for it.The circle of white bunches of pretty flowers scattered underneath the tree.It was the saptaparni(Indian Devil tree).

I lied over there covered in night's beauty.Melancholic calling of the owl in my ears.Accompanied with the heavenly scent of the flowers.And i wasn't aware for how long i stayed that way.Only realizing with the first dew drop falling on me that it's time for the sun to shine and fragrance to fade away with light.

Image Courtesy-Alstonia Scholaris i)The tree's Image had been edited with effects which were not in the original image.

Sans Memory

I capture those glances of your in my heart.

The steady rhythm of your words as they call;

As they call my name and address me as yours.

Through the towering feelings,

as of residing on cloud nine.

I wish that your happiness never subsides.

As the clock ticks and does its round,

the moments bygone slips through palms.

Floats in air like ashes of charred logs.

Fleeing away like detached and dry leaves.

Rustling and revolting the natures sound.

Clash through the ticking hours, 

it happened with me.

A touch of heaven that i perceived.

I have lost all with the tragedy.

I am done with the past. 

And all that i am left with, 

are new beginnings to create.

I have let past go like sand caught in hand,

though it was not as i had planned.

But all i am left with are broken thoughts.

No links and bends, 

just fractal i glimpse in broken chords.

Yes i am sans memory.

And have forgotten with whom i was,

and who called my name, 

and told me that i belonged with them.

Image Courtesy

55 Fiction :Accident!

Here is my first attempt at 55 Fiction.Let's know it from you does it make sense or not :/

What am i doing on this hospital bed Alex?

Sweetheart don't panic it's alright.

Alex i have a good news for you.

What is it Zysha?

I am pregnant!
Alex kisses her forehead.

The doctor enters there room and says

 "Sorry we could not save the baby."

He hugs her and sobs fill the air.

To m/e - II

First drops touched my face and it was almost a bliss.I didn't have the slightest knowledge of the upcoming rain.Coming back to home from somewhere and carrying a satchel which i felt for sometime as burden was relived by those instant cooling drops.Flames of the satchels had been bored deep down on me.Satchel was it really like the literal one.I guess no,it was something else.While passing by the lake i thought about the numerous people that have come into my life and will keep coming till i live.All couldn't be mine and neither i wanted them all to be mine.I never wanted anyone to be to me but it just happened and it keeps happening the necklace of my neck keeps on adding a bead or two once in a while to itself.Not that i have completed my necklace its hard to say so cause till now it just has minimal beads.Well i am sufficed with those minimal beads yet i feel the beads haven't rolled in well into the necklace yet and they might fall from the edge or the bead that has enter may crawl to the extreme open end fall down.I may or may not be able to catch it and only memory of that bead will remain with me.

Catastrophic sublimations,freezing and burning leads to the shaping and duration of the beads of my necklace.

There i stood staring inside the lake,all of the surrounding had turned dark but i didn't fear it as if it was one with me crying my tears of agony and sometimes so splashes of happy moments.It was all so confusing one moment i smiled to myself with the image i painted in my mind and the very next moment my lips turned into a sad curve of anxiety and longing.The path it divided into two and i submerged into oblivion waiting to choose one of them.I had to create my own path and i couldn't choose anyone of them,it was hard i said.I was going through trials and tribulations and i no more wanted it to be so and if it had to be pain let it be created by me only.

The infinity of that dark water which was some moments back all crystal blue astonished me.Yes the parts of it were true to us.Once it was all clear to be stared deep down and the next moment it was all so dark that one could not estimate an end if any.Life offers us such situations sometimes it feels like we are blindfolded and initiating on a journey we don't know what will come out of it or sometimes just being totally affirmative of the outcome.

I don't like plans and i don't know how to plan the only thing that i hold in my mind is some piece of m/e.That m/e knows that i crave for it,cry for it,get hurt by it,get happy by it,love it,adore it and can be never separated from it.But it still doesn't answers the existence of m/e doubting m/e sometimes and sometimes just wanting to believe in the truth of it(which is just for that moment and turns into a lie after that moment according to m/e).

Every cell and every drop of blood that surrounds and creates m/e is not important.It is the quintessence that flows through whole being of m/e and helps it to diverge and convulse into the mystic aura of undecided realms .

I dream of m/e every night does its whispers know that?does its kisses know that?does its caresses know that?does its embrace know that? does it know? .....Does it also feel like I feel?..

It never answers m/e and the rain stops and the flames aren't quenched but provided a unknown moistened hotness.

To m/e - I

Complete!

This entry is submitted by me for Thursday Poets Rally Week 45,

Trembling hands picked up. 

The white transparent bottle jingled full of pills.

She read the contents and it said tranquillizer.

She opened up the lid, 

thought of popping some inside her.

But her self could not move it ahead to pour.

Bottle slid from her grip,

the rolling pills scattered on the floor. 

Blankly staring the floor she started crying.

Small sobs turned into big hysterical ones.

Sliding on the wall she thudded on the floor. 

A scrapbook laid aside, 

she slept on that numb floor and opened.

The scrapbook slowly turning through pages,

she saw and remembered....

he and she talked 

he and she talked some more

he and she met

he and she came so close

he and she confessed love

he and she hugged

he and she kissed

he and she were unbreakable

he and she never fought

he and she were the best couple

he died...

She is left...

She picks up the gun for once and for all,

a sound of click and she pulls the trigger.

She is also dead now,

and so the scrapbook is complete.

Her memory..

This entry is submitted by me for Thursday Poets Rally Week 44,


Misted air of laziness covered up.                                          

Resuscitating from the blown smoke in air.

Iris hued blue ,opened wide staring infinity.

Galaxy of untouched and unscathed mysteries unfurled, 

Aficionado like he flew through them.

Nostalgia sped past while reviving her memories.

Kef it was as her reflection drugged him.

Dolce as she liked to address him echoed in his ears today.

Ubique her aura surrounded and he submerged.

Beguiled smile of her imaged in his eyes,

Eroding the left patience and calm.

Yearning was reignited yet again.

Image Courtesy-Vinayaka abase

Glossary-

Kef-State of dream or drug-induced repose

Dolce-Sweet

Ubique-Everywhere

To 'Dada'

I don't know what compels me to write this after so many years but something in the back of my mind makes me wish to do this.Though i have never engaged myself in writing something in person as in about myself or share something about myself but today i am doing it for the first time and let's see may be for the last time.

My grandfather..he had expired a longtime back.The only relation i remember having with him was that he used to be around with me and we used to just sleep together side by side..saying or speaking nothing at all.I never used to talk with anyone at my home until and unless i wanted to.So all in all reserved.So was he,he never said or asked me anything just that sometimes used to call out my name.Everyday in the evening time we used to have shondha(evening time) at our home (we have it now also) it was specially done by my Dada as we call him in Bengali.Whenever he used to return with the barkosh(a wooden plate) black in color having little pieces of fruits placed on them,i used to be the first one jumping around and asking for one of the little pieces.Whenever the conch's echo was heard i knew he was done with the boi kaali(to worship a particular deity the ritual performed in the evening) which i used to call book black after i learnt English a bit as in Bengali boi means book and kaali means black.My favorite was the mango and still is.But interestingly being a child of the age 4 or 5 you really can't distinguish what is profit and what is loss for you so whenever i used to know that mango is being cut for the boi kaali i used to wait for the seed wrapped up in little bit of pulpy mango and not the other two parts which were cut and separated from it.

Sometimes we used to smile at each other out of no reason.I had seen him deteriorating in his health and as a child i had no idea what exactly was the problem with him but i knew that something was not correct when he stopped doing the boi kaali.

I just have one snap(which is now lost and image captured by my memory remains) of him smiling and sitting by the side of my Thamma(grandmother) with me in his lap and my cousin brother in Thamma's lap.I wore a polka dotted pink color frock,he a plain white panjabi(a loose fitting long cloak like top) and pajama(loose fitting lower),my Thamma in a saree (i don't remember it's color)and my brother in a shirt and shorts(i don't remember it's color either).Interestingly of this image i just remember what my Dada and me wore and i specifically remember it was my birthday and he was trying to pose while pushing inside the piece of cake inside my mouth.

Another sweet memory that i have beside me is the best possible dessert i could have ever had in my life.It was really simple but i don't know my Dada made it just fabulous it was nothing but some sweet and sour apples shredded nicely and done something after that(that something still remains a mystery to me as he expired before i could have any knowledge of the technicalities of things being made and destroyed).

I loved it and i still love it and i still have the taste of it sometimes lingering in my mouth..

I named it on my own and my elders at home still address it with the name i had once given that unique and delightful dessert which was 'Swadd' ..

So this is for my 'Dada' :) . .You are or you are not but in memory you are and will remain. .

P.S.-From some days i have been sleeping on the same side of the room and bed as i used to with my Dada so maybe he has thought of knocking me to just say a hie to his memories :)