Like a mistress or...manstress

We all have somebody special in our life be it a friend or a good friend or best friend or someone from family or a girlfriend/boyfriend.

They are important in our lives and maybe somehow influence a great deal of things that happen in our life. We like to spend time with them and enjoy their attention showered on us.

When do you feel bad while being with them?

A fight perhaps, or a disagreement. Well, i guess these are too mild in terms of bad.

The mistress snatches away the limelight for bad. Well, i know you are thinking about that girl who has the perfect figure, big bosoms, luscious red coated lips, smoky eyes, a figure hugging dress, with a cheshire cat smile sprawled on the bed. I am sorry to be biased as i am not talking about the other guy in a woman's life as i have mentioned girlfriend as well.

But then that would be unfair, so thanks to urban dictionary i have a word coined for those extra guys keeping the girls happy which is manstress. I get a red line underneath the word in spell check. So, you might imagine a perfectly chiselled man, with washboard smooth abs, tall, handsome, to sum it a greek god with a smirk sprawled on bed.

No, i am not talking about either of them. Neither mistress or manstress as we know.

The things/activities they love and like to do, they put their everything into it. It makes them feel alive and breathless at the same time.

So when a consultant who is your friend is passionately rambling about problems of their patient complete with their life history but the moment you ask them something regarding a conversation you had back in the day and they give a blank expression. Now how does that feel? Mind you at this point that the conversation held back in the day was important to you.

This was just an example to give you a clear picture. So how do you deal with the mistress/manstress? 

I draw a blank at that. 

Betrayed

There is a hollow I can feel it inside me. It has seeped deep inside my bones. I am grieving like I never have. There are no tears, you cant find a single trace of grief on me. It is inside of me secured and tight.

The loss that I had not been able to keep my words. It does not hurt that the words I said have lost their essence and no longer valid. It is heavier than that, I was sincere when I had said those words. But I have betrayed myself, gone back on sincerity.

I had cried once when I saw people change in front of me. They did not keep their words. One after another each of them left me like that, repeating the same pattern. The hurt was evident in me for sometime. With time healing does take place. I saw the hurt fade and the memory boxed into the farthest corner of my mind.

But today, I cannot cry. I am not able to. I have changed. How does one forgive themselves for betraying themselves?

I don’t know. The hollow has grown larger and I am loosing touch with the things that mattered once. The gap is so humongous that people are afraid to cross it to reach me.

What about me?

I don’t see where can I land even if I cross the gap. Where is my destination? Where am I suppose to land?

Its all blurry, empty and unending. The tunnels of my thoughts are spiraling out of control like the smoke that wafts away from the cigarette only to be invisible after sometime. You cannot trace the smoke, it has left you to puff more of them and mock you as you blow one after another wisps in hopes to follow it till the end. 

The other world.

Do you wish you had a different life? The life right now, well, it is just not what you want.

I always have a thought at the back of my mind that there is a parallel universe that has a life like I imagine. You can imagine whatever pleases your mind and that is happening, not here, but in the other world, right now.

As little as the possibility of ever clashing with the other world seems, imagine if that ever happens?

I think either life will get totally sorted or it will be damn chaotic, there can be no middle way out.

At times there are wishful thinking where I want a happy ending to some chapter of my life, at times I wish for something to start or something to end and there are again plenty of other possibilities depending upon where your mind takes you for a ride.

Do I want to go to the parallel world and live my imagination? No.

I crave for stories and story tellers. I would love to see what happens in my other story/stories. Till then lets live and watch story of this world.