"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection,and not fountain,to show them that we love them,not when we feel like it,but when they do"

Friday, July 06, 2012

What comes with life?

Right from the beginning of my world there were things i din't understand and still don't.Earlier their was confinement.I didn't like to share my world with almost..well..anyone.I was alone,all was for me whatever i did i din't have to think about any second person.Restrictions had their own meanings and partly i accepted them because i felt secure in the restrictions almost from an invisible monster.Introvert as they call was what i liked to be.Many people knew me by name and sometimes actions but most of all they called me weird or crazy.They warned every other new girl around me before they got to know me that i was someone who was not to be interacted with.I din't mind cause i loved my privacy.At home their was no one either.I was scared of every little thing happening around me.Ghosts,nightmares,strangers and night was all frightening to me.And that was what was used for frightening me,to get me under control.The rooms used to crumble under the harsh noises from the fights in my family and i didn't have any say in that.I watched pain inflicted,submission and then again back to normal.It was almost a daily affair and seemed normal after around two-three years.
The very term socializing created a eerie picture in front of me and i avoided to step into the unknown world.I loved my own company though i don't know if i loved myself or not.
The incorrigible core of me was for no one.I started interacting people got to know me they stayed close,ditched and went away.It hurt a lot at first cause i had opened up and it was what made me dependent.I hated myself for being such a cry baby.Then i discovered a pattern through all the ditching and decided to bar entry even if what i had opened was a little part of me.I know most about a person but the person in front of me doesn't know me.Yeah they know what i do and what i don't but that is not what is me.I crashed myself,regained and molded myself back up to live.
Their is a facade on my face that is still hiding me.The timid,shy,innocent and good for nothing me.I am afraid yes i am to get hurt after being known for who i really am and left.
The derisiveness of life compels me then to shed tears that i so badly keep inside.Life given to me from whosoever it is believed to be the ultimate power has a emissary.But through it we have so much more to go through which is not planned by us but our actions that give away to them.
To put on a demure personality and walk forward in front of the world.Saying yes when they say yes and saying no when they say no is how the world works.It doesn't have place for the incompetent and helpless.Either you do as said or you can live on your own whims and wishes but with a beware that you don't get to be known to anyone and by stroke of luck only that you get something to live on and earn.
One fine day when i had decided to let someone come near me i saw all the unavoidable pictures weave in front of my eyes.I was yet to commit to anyone else rather than myself.They had assured me that they would be by my side to help me overcome my sorrows.They had failed miserably in that task.They had let my hopes down and made me damn dependent on them.Once more my world crumbled as i longed yet on the broken words said to me.The weight of  betrayal let loose on me and a feeling of being used shook through me.I was just but happy about the fact that they had not committed to me yet it shoot daggers in my heart cause i oh so badly wanted them to say to me that yes they commit to me.I fail to decipher what is life teaching me.I am yearning like a nincompoop.And i hate that i still surrender to their mellifluous talks and my anger vanishes at the very mention of them.An illusion curbing the mind.And i wish i had known and understood "the little you have to love the less you are attached to world"
Is life a play?
Yes it is and we are the actors/actresses as Shakespeare has long told us about life in his sonnet Seven ages of man.A circle,a vicious one is drawn around us as we experience life.
Moving in circles with the part and parcel life is offering to us.But we are the ones to choose and if we don't have a choice we got to make one to really live life.Freeing ourselves from the trap that life has lured us into.Step forth onto rainbow.
P.S.-It was written in first person but these are just the thoughts of the writer and not their own story.


Cяystal said...

In As you like it, where 7SOM actually features, its amusing how man almost becomes the same worn out man, helpless, toothless just like he was at the start of his life. Life is strange! Confinement and solitude pleases you today, next day they suffocate you .. strange are the ways of the world. Sometimes we adapt, sometimes we stick to old school and life goes on.. at the end of the day its mea culpa or c'est la vie.

La Dolce Vita said...

Alcina, every writer leaves some parts of his /her soul in his story.
I want to tell you that your writing evokes so many emotions ...If you are /were an introvert, you would know that the world is harsh and judgmental towards the introverts and the highly sensitive people {HSPs}.

It takes time to makes sense of this world. But by the time, one make sense, most of them become bitter. Self loathing is a trait of bitter souls. But there is another way - where one makes sense of the world and also makes sense of the "self" yet turns into a beautiful soul which is capable of giving love and light to thousands of other bitter souls. Yes, this is possible.
I believe that no matter what {Again, this is my personal belief and not a judgement}, we are capable of living our best life, capable of turning a bitter past into a beautiful future. That too without anybody's help and support! We have inside us, infinite capabilities and power to live the life we want, we do not need to depend on others.
One is enough. You is enough. Nobody can understand and love you better than yourself. If anybody helps you, that's very kind of him/her but if not, still we can create our own lives with these two hands and one brain.
take care,

Noopur said...

Beautiful post...



Tanvi said...

Sometimes even if a person is shy, introvert kind of a personality they have to know their self worth, and that they are exceptionally good in some things people can't even imagine to do :)

Just know that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent :)


I do, I do. said...

You know it really is something when you wonder whether you love yourself or not, isn't it?


Alcina said...

:) you got near to the point somewhat.

Alcina said...

La Dolce Vita
I agree that there are at least some part if not all in a writing :)

Yes we are the ones best for ourselves but sometimes its necessary for someone close by..someone you can bank upon..

Alcina said...

Thank you.

hope you had a happy visit here!!
keep chiming..

Alcina said...

When you live in a world full of lies and made believe that it is the only truth on which you can survive it is difficult to fit in the line "that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

But yeah trying does no harm!

Alcina said...

@I do I do
Yes surely it is!